Off list

I don't know what to think.
Sadly, I feel like I've actually written this before.
I'm not gonna double check....I'll just assume.
In any case I suppose that means there's not been significant progress.

Its not that things are bad...on the contrary, they're pretty great
....its just....something's not right. I feel listless.....maybe even a little melancholy.
Its kinda strange.   I thought of some things that are just off:

I don't feel like doing sit-ups
I've taken my contacts out every night without fail(I always sleep in my contacts....thats the point of the sleep in kind)
I've not been drinking raspberry lemonade
I ordered pizza tonight.....I'm allergic to pizza
I've been watching tv
I've been indifferent about things I'm spending money on
I'm procrastinating heavily
I'm utilizing immediate vetos on things that do not suit me
I want to go to the movies all the time...though I've not actually gone to any
It's taking me forever to get through anything....books, dvd's, picture sorting...
I suddenly want a new phone

I realize none of that sounds at all serious....or even significantly notable, but it all just seems out of the ordinary for me.
I think that it is a good thing I've noticed because no one else has and its not going to get resolved otherwise. what's that saying.....something about the first step to fixing a problem is realizing you have one?
I wonder if it covers pre-problems or not quite-problems?
At least it gives me something to consider
I'll work on it

Who you gonna call?

My face hurts. This is a fact....a fact that I have been living with for quite a number of days now. It hurts badly. It seems that no amount of drugging will silence it. At this very moment I want to throw things because it is aching soo badly. I am in fact, continuing to write this so that I don't have to focus on that pain.

That being said...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heh so that was a few days ago, and that's as far as I got before the pain became so intense that I couldn't finish....or even move, for that matter.  Dry socket, its called and basically it means that the blodd clot that was supposed to form over the bone in the location where my tooth was pulled from has dissolved and so my bone and nerve are exposed. The problem with this is that exposed bones and nerves are clearly not supposed to happen and as such are bothered when placed in contact with...everything. This would include air and nerve pain is a type that cannot simply be eased without the use of very strong drugs. Theres no shifting of positions to make it hurt less or putting some ice on it or taking a soothing bath. No it just throbs and throbs in a completely unyielding fashion that causes you to miss out on things like sleep and eating...tons of fun, I assure you.  Anyhow back to just after I wrote that first part....

As I lay there hyperventilating and writhing around in pain barely able to even make noises I thought to myself, "This is not going to stop until I pass out from pain." There was nothing I could really do about it. I was between drug doses and I had about 3 hours before I could take another pill(plus the time it would take for that pill to get into my system). I started to panic a little and realized I could not do this alone. At this point it was about 1am and everyone was asleep but I sucked it up and called for help. I'm thankful to have people in my life that I can count on to help me out if I'm in trouble and it humbles me to think that anyone would hold me in that high of regard to put themselves at an inconvenience just to help me out. Who do you call at 1 in the morning when you're in pain enough to cry and though you know there is virtually nothing anyone can do about it(outside of an emergency room, but really who has the money for that unless you've lost a limb), you feel like if they're at least right there with you, it might help you not feel like you're gonna die? Your best friend....the person you trust the most....your speed dial number 5. And sit with me he did...for like 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. Most of my life I've played the role of that friend who comes running when you need help. The one who comes to get you when you're stranded or locked out of your house. The one who brings you something to eat when you're starved and stuck somewhere without your wallet. The friend who helps you move, loans you their car, picks you up from the airport, disguisedly offers you mint when your breath smells, and checks on you when you're sick.  Almost never does any of that get done to me, but that is my role in life and I accept it in earnest because I'm happy to make other people happy(I'm the surprise party coordinator, not the surprise party recipient).  The "almost never" is starting to lean more towards "more and more often" since this past year....and even since this past 5 months, because my friends are awesome. Not just awesome, but awesome in the right ways...like the ways I just listed. Its nice to know that I too can enjoy the comfort and ease of knowing that if I'm in trouble someone will come running.

Cakeology

There's a box of cake mix in my pantry that I bought many months ago and I have yet to use it. Part of the reason is that I'm waiting for the right time. Part of the reason is that I don't want to bake it alone.....you see, I'm an awful baker. Sad but true. I really am working on it......but not really cause its not that big of a deal. Gah! And its red velvet too, which is my favorite type of cake(and apparently eveyone else's, I've discovered) complete with cream cheese frosting. All I have to do is mix it make it bake it.....a street party(only a handful of people will get that).

Here's the thing: I don't want to make it, I just want to eat it. Not just eat it, savor it, relish in it, full on enjoy the crap out of it.  I feel like that's normal right? Most people simply want to enjoy their lives witho- cakes! ...most people want to enjoy their cakes without having to do all that work, ya know? I mean, first you have to get everything ready...where do you even begin to look for all the things you need to make a fruitful and productive....cake. Then there's the ingredients.  A little bit of this, some of that, portions of other things, and of course there's the substitutions to take into consideration....some people are allergic to nuts or drama, so maybe one could use applesauce or something.  Of course theres the mixing, which is generally easy but can be made much more complicated without a proper whisk and really no one wants to end up with powdery clumps of missed opportunities.  And what happens when its time to go through the fire?  What if its just too hot or ya stay in there too long and get spit back out in an overcooked, hugely unvelvety heap?  It all seems like soo much work but just know that its worth it in the end. Cream cheese frosting covers a multitude of inadequacies and usually theres some left over for later. Though I would caution not to add the frosting too soon until you've had a chance to cool down otherwise it'll melt away quickly and not be as enjoyable.  I suppose the first step to being a better baker is to know what your end result should look like and knowing what steps you need to take to get there, so I don't really think I'm that far off track by any means.  Knowing that at some point ther'll be some heat makes things a little more uncertain, but when you think about it, those are the times that help us to rise.....to fill the mold and become the the people we want to be. Only then can we fully enjoy and experience the finished product. One can't expect to just toss some frosting on raw batter just like its not feasible to expect to gain the rewards of life without a decent effort...things that are not earned are not as valued, and no one wants complacent cake.  I'm not sure that I'll be able to bake the best that ever was baked, but I know that if I keep trying, I will eventually learn enough and gain enough experience to at least make something that I can be proud of. Maybe I might someday even be able to bake something that is good enough to be put on display and inspire others in their...baking...

Anyhow, I'm off to preheat the oven...

35 seconds

I didn't tell her

No one knew

I was driving...not even next to another person

A simple text

Status update, really

Just 35 seconds

RING

"You're awesome" I tell her

"Hi....I know" she laughs

She must have me on stalk

I'm ok with that

Its a nice feeling to feel

I strive for that kind of response time
Not perfected, but decent progress
My heart is there at least
Post-parade asthma attacks
Dehydrated alpha unit calls
Second show stop pass-outs
Steamboat weezing
Whether friend or foe
Current or ex
Someone should be there

4am

I can see the moon from my window...its almost as bright as my computer screen. I can't quite tell if its full or not, but it looks that way. I really don't feel like looking it up.

It makes me think of you...

Hope

An interesting evening I did have. I've recapped it slightly and came to the familiar conclusion that we are capable of modifying our own realities on so many levels, to what we wish to perceive.

...maybe that sounded too stuck up....what I mean to say is: you can make your own glass half full.

So many stories, fiction and non, have taught us that the human spirit is near impossible to crush and I wonder some times if there is more to that than just the simple head nod we give it. What if we could apply it to everything around us? I suppose some of us do that naturally while others run the opposite direction, but can you imagine what a difference it would make? Adjusting and adapting life's variables to fit into a constant positive outlook is tedious, yes, but wouldn't it be worth it to be happy?

Several things this evening weren't perfect....a headache...cold chipotle....a sub par movie...lack of funds...
I was still happy about it because frankly I missed my friend and nothing was going to stand in the way of us hanging out. I thought to myself that it was funny that even though not all the pieces lined up easily, as long as the main idea was intact, it still worked out fine.

What if through every trial...every unpleasant situation, we could all somehow just find the positive main idea and let that shining thing dull out all the other things that aren't so wonderful. Would it be so bad to simply refuse to see it as a setback and instead see it as just something to climb over? I realize I'm not discovering a new concept here but sometimes we forget what we're really capable of. Sometimes its just nice to remember that even though bad things happen, we have it within ourselves to find the good in it...and to hold that good high in the air and shout "This is my joy...and it cannot be taken from me!"

I feel like that is not only optimism or perseverance........but also it is hope

the if and when

Sometimes i wonder what i will do when i procreate. how will i handle it? will i be good at it? how will i make the rules? how will i enforce them? how will i talk about the hard things? where will i get the money to support them? will i really make it to the concerts and/or games? what will be my official stand on world issues? will i give them my beliefs or just the ones i feel like they should have? will i talk to them like equals or like subordinates? will they think i'm funny? will i find them funny? when do i tell them? what will i do if they cry? what will i do if they are threatened? how will i cope when, at times, they do not like me? will they understand that i only mean the best? what will i do when they are old enough to make their own lives? when should i let them go? will anyone ever love them like i will? will they take care of me when i am old?

will they be proud of the choices i made in life....and of the ones i make in their presence?