Cakeology

There's a box of cake mix in my pantry that I bought many months ago and I have yet to use it. Part of the reason is that I'm waiting for the right time. Part of the reason is that I don't want to bake it alone.....you see, I'm an awful baker. Sad but true. I really am working on it......but not really cause its not that big of a deal. Gah! And its red velvet too, which is my favorite type of cake(and apparently eveyone else's, I've discovered) complete with cream cheese frosting. All I have to do is mix it make it bake it.....a street party(only a handful of people will get that).

Here's the thing: I don't want to make it, I just want to eat it. Not just eat it, savor it, relish in it, full on enjoy the crap out of it.  I feel like that's normal right? Most people simply want to enjoy their lives witho- cakes! ...most people want to enjoy their cakes without having to do all that work, ya know? I mean, first you have to get everything ready...where do you even begin to look for all the things you need to make a fruitful and productive....cake. Then there's the ingredients.  A little bit of this, some of that, portions of other things, and of course there's the substitutions to take into consideration....some people are allergic to nuts or drama, so maybe one could use applesauce or something.  Of course theres the mixing, which is generally easy but can be made much more complicated without a proper whisk and really no one wants to end up with powdery clumps of missed opportunities.  And what happens when its time to go through the fire?  What if its just too hot or ya stay in there too long and get spit back out in an overcooked, hugely unvelvety heap?  It all seems like soo much work but just know that its worth it in the end. Cream cheese frosting covers a multitude of inadequacies and usually theres some left over for later. Though I would caution not to add the frosting too soon until you've had a chance to cool down otherwise it'll melt away quickly and not be as enjoyable.  I suppose the first step to being a better baker is to know what your end result should look like and knowing what steps you need to take to get there, so I don't really think I'm that far off track by any means.  Knowing that at some point ther'll be some heat makes things a little more uncertain, but when you think about it, those are the times that help us to rise.....to fill the mold and become the the people we want to be. Only then can we fully enjoy and experience the finished product. One can't expect to just toss some frosting on raw batter just like its not feasible to expect to gain the rewards of life without a decent effort...things that are not earned are not as valued, and no one wants complacent cake.  I'm not sure that I'll be able to bake the best that ever was baked, but I know that if I keep trying, I will eventually learn enough and gain enough experience to at least make something that I can be proud of. Maybe I might someday even be able to bake something that is good enough to be put on display and inspire others in their...baking...

Anyhow, I'm off to preheat the oven...

Crankypants Mcgee

I'm cranky. I've been cranky all day. If that's not ok with everyone then I'll pretend to be sorry about it.
Maybe if I were working today I might have mustered up the force of will to fix it...maybe not. Either way it doesn't matter seeing as how today is pretty much over, but lets recap:

I became irritated less than 7 minutes into my morning
I was further irritated as the day progressed
I can't focus my left eye
There's a scrath on my contact lense...which feels just lovely
I have a nice migraine that has been toying with me all day
I watched a sizable amount of money run out of my bank account like there was a fire
I sorta burned my scalp because I wasn't focusing on what I was doing
I forgot to eat again till way too late
I have resolved that I will probably never get to see that princess and the frog movie
Fatty lost my favorite video game
.....I can't focus my freakin left eye!

I realize this is my own bad mood and no one is keeping me here but me, but...........well, whatever.

-_-

Options

Life is not without its options, and for that I am truly glad.  Now granted sometimes those options are not easy to see or even very good, but at least they're available at all, no?

Take for example free time...
Do I play a video game on my PSP or maybe read the second novel in the Percy Jackson series?  Perhaps I might make a hemp necklace or text my friends?  Build that shelf thats been sitting in the corner of my room? clean the bathroom? Wash my car?

I feel like thats all well and good...self explanitory even, but what about those times when we are in trouble and don't even feel like there is even a hope of relief?

Take for example being kidnapped by terrorists....
Do I feign sickness and try and make a break for it when someone opens my cell?  Maybe it would be best just to let them kill me off rather than give them any information or help in their evil schemes.  Maybe they might let me join their little rif raf if I play nice....would that be a decent option? What if no one wants to pay for my release...is there like...some dishes I can wash or something? perhaps cut the lawn a few hundred times? Do terrorists even have lawns?

The point is, there's always options and that is what breaks up the big things into smaller, more digestible morsels for our minds to wrap around.  I mean, really, who wants to just tackle all those huge issues like pension planning or free time or terrorists when you can just choose the smaller options like which mutual funds...or which angle you want the ransom video taken from...

spontaneously narcotic poetry

I learned something new today
about someone i knew
it never occured to me
all that she had been through

i stood there in shock
at the words that she spoke
"i had no idea"
thought it might be a joke

one would never really know
that paths others would choose
but the info i gained
would be wise of me to use

the mistakes that she made
teamed with questions i asked
reinforced my resolve
to say "no thanks, i'll pass"

Yin

I feel a good feeling right now and I'm glad to feel it. It is comprised of a lot of different things and moments that have happened recently from a number of different sources....but I like it and I am determined not to let it slip easily from me.

I love my life...its quirks, its qualms, its...umm...

I love my job...it makes me happy

I love my friends...new and old, best and aquainted

I love being happy...and I plan to get that back to 93%

Yang

There is a day that I know is coming. A day I don't want, but will have. I won't be prepared for it no matter how much I try to rehearse. It will suck and I will hate it. There is no escaping it and its coming in full force.
I will cry

I will not answer the phone

I will not be able to console myself

I will never be the same again

If you don't love it, don't live it

I wish I loved to counsel.  I'm pretty good at it and it makes me happy to be helpful to others, but I do not love it and would therefore not be ultimately happy with it as a profession.  I listen well and am good at observing body language, tone, and timing...but I am more, by nature, a problem solver. that is not, however, something that is super useful to everyone.  I love nothing more than to outline a nice strategy or attack plan to tackle some huge obstacle and make it rue the day it tried to mess with your life, but most people do not want someone to help them solve their problem...in a lot of cases(especially with females) they are completely aware of an adequete solution. No, most people just want someone to listen to them...to validate them. To hear their story, their concerns, and to agree or empathize with what the situation means for them.

These are not the only modes of counsel of course. There is affirmative counseling. Some people just need a confidence boost or a confirmation that they aren't crazy or alone. Its always nice to hear someone tell you why you are worth it whether its solicited or not...it makes you feel a bit more valuable.  There is yet another form, and that is called inverse counseling. That is where you are listening to someone who sounds soo hopeless...soo self destructive...so unchangable that it causes you to take a look at some of the things in your own life that really arent that bad comparatively, or are in need of change.

Reasons I don't feel like counseling also include:

• I feel like it would be odd to ask for money for helping
• Some people whine too much...and there's no guarantee I wouldn't just tell them so
• I want my advice to be completely accurate...which is something you can't do as well outside of close friendships
• It would ultimately kill me because I would give and give and give until I had nothing left even for myself...and I wouldn't realize till I stopped breathing
• I would have to go back to school and unlearn all the stuff I already know how to do
• Some people are beyond help from others and trying to counsel them is just plain irritating

If I loved doing it, then my mind and body would be much more adequetely suited to handle that kind of outside stress. Don't get me wrong, I have the capacity and ability to do it...I just am not certain that I would be able to sustain it into my later years. So really even though I would undoubtedly enjoy helping others in a full-time fashion, it would probably drive me insane after a good while and who knows if my pension would cover the shock treatments.