Pass "Go" and collect $200

It started out with such gloom....soo much that it can be described as "nothing less than awesome," that it ended up being so flippin fantastic.  He was irate, she was just fine and secretly not soo fine, and I was getting cranky again. We had probably all decided seperately, that tonight was gonna suck. head home and maybe eat something...poke around online for a bit and maybe just try not to think about things and crash early or something.
Nope.

Its funny how the upsetting things in life just dissipate when you're having a good time with friends. I think we all got the "Get out of jail free" card tonight and I am really glad for that.  There was good food(did I mention that I am awesome at cooking?), drinks(compliments of the country of Jamaica), music, How I Met Your Mother, knot loosening(up, up....ya can you get in there?), recollections of prowess competitions, unyielding sarcasm(omg you love circles too?!), hugging, hilarious pictures, and pretentious definition.  I couldn't have asked for a better night...or better people to spend it with.

Part of me is sad during those times, though, because I know how unique the moment is and that it will never again happen like that, but I feel that the memories and the inside jokes and the photographic evidence is well worth any potential unhappiness that might ensue when things finally have to change.  I'm glad to have them and they are glad to have me(or doing a bang up job faking it) and that's more than enough to make any night a good night.

Tastes like happy

I'm going to need to write about my apprehension concerning tomorrow's procedure and it's subsequent weekend of recovery....but the time for that is not quite upon me, so instead, I'm going to talk about something I simply adore. 

I really really enjoy the company of Simply Lemonade (with raspberry)......like a lot. It tastes like happy. There are 2 big bottles of it in my fridge at this very moment...not kidding. Every time I go to the store I usually grab a bottle or 2 because it makes me nervous to not have a backup when my "in use" supply runs low.  I really don't even drink as much of it as I do of water( as water is my 5 day) but somehow whenever I pour some out, half the bottle ends up gone. The best part is that its not full of crap...just filtered water and lemon and sugar and raspberry puree and awesome.

Currently I am trying to restrain myself from pouring more now

Gah!

Ya know how you can kinda have a crush on someone and its fine because they don't know and also no one else really knows because you don't talk about it with anyone and maybe that someone might be really hot to you but isn't the top pick of the year by the tastes of most people you'd say it to but its your crush and so it doesn't really matter what they feel on the subject but still you feel it best just to not mention it cause also you don't really have a decent reason for liking them other than that you just do and can't really explain it but ya get that "aww shucks" sort of embarassed and slightly shy feeling near them and can't really make sense of why you act dumb like that but are not hugely that concerned about it because they don't know and neither does anyone else so really its just your own private little experience?

Ok so then what happens if all of a sudden that someone starts paying attention to you and you're like "whoa where'd that come from" and you're not quite sure if maybe you are just imagining it or reading too far into it because you at some point thought "hey if you liked me that would be cool" but didn't really think there was a possibility of that ok maybe a tiny part of you would be theorhetically hoping that but you'd never admit it to yourself cause thats just kinda sad and even though you're pretty sure its nothing you can't completely rule out the slight possibility that maybe its something or at least the tiny inklings of something and who in their right mind would snuff that out ya know?

Then of course you're worried slightly that you might be crazy or obvious or that you might just kill the potential because you acted really ridiculous about it instead of just being cool but how in the world are you supposed to know what to do if you don't even know what is going on and even though its a little scary you feel like you should at least try to find out if maybe they are a little into you I mean that makes sense right? Doesn't it?

Gah!

Cakeology

There's a box of cake mix in my pantry that I bought many months ago and I have yet to use it. Part of the reason is that I'm waiting for the right time. Part of the reason is that I don't want to bake it alone.....you see, I'm an awful baker. Sad but true. I really am working on it......but not really cause its not that big of a deal. Gah! And its red velvet too, which is my favorite type of cake(and apparently eveyone else's, I've discovered) complete with cream cheese frosting. All I have to do is mix it make it bake it.....a street party(only a handful of people will get that).

Here's the thing: I don't want to make it, I just want to eat it. Not just eat it, savor it, relish in it, full on enjoy the crap out of it.  I feel like that's normal right? Most people simply want to enjoy their lives witho- cakes! ...most people want to enjoy their cakes without having to do all that work, ya know? I mean, first you have to get everything ready...where do you even begin to look for all the things you need to make a fruitful and productive....cake. Then there's the ingredients.  A little bit of this, some of that, portions of other things, and of course there's the substitutions to take into consideration....some people are allergic to nuts or drama, so maybe one could use applesauce or something.  Of course theres the mixing, which is generally easy but can be made much more complicated without a proper whisk and really no one wants to end up with powdery clumps of missed opportunities.  And what happens when its time to go through the fire?  What if its just too hot or ya stay in there too long and get spit back out in an overcooked, hugely unvelvety heap?  It all seems like soo much work but just know that its worth it in the end. Cream cheese frosting covers a multitude of inadequacies and usually theres some left over for later. Though I would caution not to add the frosting too soon until you've had a chance to cool down otherwise it'll melt away quickly and not be as enjoyable.  I suppose the first step to being a better baker is to know what your end result should look like and knowing what steps you need to take to get there, so I don't really think I'm that far off track by any means.  Knowing that at some point ther'll be some heat makes things a little more uncertain, but when you think about it, those are the times that help us to rise.....to fill the mold and become the the people we want to be. Only then can we fully enjoy and experience the finished product. One can't expect to just toss some frosting on raw batter just like its not feasible to expect to gain the rewards of life without a decent effort...things that are not earned are not as valued, and no one wants complacent cake.  I'm not sure that I'll be able to bake the best that ever was baked, but I know that if I keep trying, I will eventually learn enough and gain enough experience to at least make something that I can be proud of. Maybe I might someday even be able to bake something that is good enough to be put on display and inspire others in their...baking...

Anyhow, I'm off to preheat the oven...

Crankypants Mcgee

I'm cranky. I've been cranky all day. If that's not ok with everyone then I'll pretend to be sorry about it.
Maybe if I were working today I might have mustered up the force of will to fix it...maybe not. Either way it doesn't matter seeing as how today is pretty much over, but lets recap:

I became irritated less than 7 minutes into my morning
I was further irritated as the day progressed
I can't focus my left eye
There's a scrath on my contact lense...which feels just lovely
I have a nice migraine that has been toying with me all day
I watched a sizable amount of money run out of my bank account like there was a fire
I sorta burned my scalp because I wasn't focusing on what I was doing
I forgot to eat again till way too late
I have resolved that I will probably never get to see that princess and the frog movie
Fatty lost my favorite video game
.....I can't focus my freakin left eye!

I realize this is my own bad mood and no one is keeping me here but me, but...........well, whatever.

-_-

Options

Life is not without its options, and for that I am truly glad.  Now granted sometimes those options are not easy to see or even very good, but at least they're available at all, no?

Take for example free time...
Do I play a video game on my PSP or maybe read the second novel in the Percy Jackson series?  Perhaps I might make a hemp necklace or text my friends?  Build that shelf thats been sitting in the corner of my room? clean the bathroom? Wash my car?

I feel like thats all well and good...self explanitory even, but what about those times when we are in trouble and don't even feel like there is even a hope of relief?

Take for example being kidnapped by terrorists....
Do I feign sickness and try and make a break for it when someone opens my cell?  Maybe it would be best just to let them kill me off rather than give them any information or help in their evil schemes.  Maybe they might let me join their little rif raf if I play nice....would that be a decent option? What if no one wants to pay for my release...is there like...some dishes I can wash or something? perhaps cut the lawn a few hundred times? Do terrorists even have lawns?

The point is, there's always options and that is what breaks up the big things into smaller, more digestible morsels for our minds to wrap around.  I mean, really, who wants to just tackle all those huge issues like pension planning or free time or terrorists when you can just choose the smaller options like which mutual funds...or which angle you want the ransom video taken from...

spontaneously narcotic poetry

I learned something new today
about someone i knew
it never occured to me
all that she had been through

i stood there in shock
at the words that she spoke
"i had no idea"
thought it might be a joke

one would never really know
that paths others would choose
but the info i gained
would be wise of me to use

the mistakes that she made
teamed with questions i asked
reinforced my resolve
to say "no thanks, i'll pass"

Yin

I feel a good feeling right now and I'm glad to feel it. It is comprised of a lot of different things and moments that have happened recently from a number of different sources....but I like it and I am determined not to let it slip easily from me.

I love my life...its quirks, its qualms, its...umm...

I love my job...it makes me happy

I love my friends...new and old, best and aquainted

I love being happy...and I plan to get that back to 93%

Yang

There is a day that I know is coming. A day I don't want, but will have. I won't be prepared for it no matter how much I try to rehearse. It will suck and I will hate it. There is no escaping it and its coming in full force.
I will cry

I will not answer the phone

I will not be able to console myself

I will never be the same again

If you don't love it, don't live it

I wish I loved to counsel.  I'm pretty good at it and it makes me happy to be helpful to others, but I do not love it and would therefore not be ultimately happy with it as a profession.  I listen well and am good at observing body language, tone, and timing...but I am more, by nature, a problem solver. that is not, however, something that is super useful to everyone.  I love nothing more than to outline a nice strategy or attack plan to tackle some huge obstacle and make it rue the day it tried to mess with your life, but most people do not want someone to help them solve their problem...in a lot of cases(especially with females) they are completely aware of an adequete solution. No, most people just want someone to listen to them...to validate them. To hear their story, their concerns, and to agree or empathize with what the situation means for them.

These are not the only modes of counsel of course. There is affirmative counseling. Some people just need a confidence boost or a confirmation that they aren't crazy or alone. Its always nice to hear someone tell you why you are worth it whether its solicited or not...it makes you feel a bit more valuable.  There is yet another form, and that is called inverse counseling. That is where you are listening to someone who sounds soo hopeless...soo self destructive...so unchangable that it causes you to take a look at some of the things in your own life that really arent that bad comparatively, or are in need of change.

Reasons I don't feel like counseling also include:

• I feel like it would be odd to ask for money for helping
• Some people whine too much...and there's no guarantee I wouldn't just tell them so
• I want my advice to be completely accurate...which is something you can't do as well outside of close friendships
• It would ultimately kill me because I would give and give and give until I had nothing left even for myself...and I wouldn't realize till I stopped breathing
• I would have to go back to school and unlearn all the stuff I already know how to do
• Some people are beyond help from others and trying to counsel them is just plain irritating

If I loved doing it, then my mind and body would be much more adequetely suited to handle that kind of outside stress. Don't get me wrong, I have the capacity and ability to do it...I just am not certain that I would be able to sustain it into my later years. So really even though I would undoubtedly enjoy helping others in a full-time fashion, it would probably drive me insane after a good while and who knows if my pension would cover the shock treatments.

The Flash Flood of January 16th

So you know how you can fall into one of those feverish sleeps where you're just suddenly really tired, can't get to bed fast enough, and then wake up hours later and can't quite remember who you are?  I don't know, maybe not but it happens to me at least.  In the event of a fever or if I've taken muscle relaxers...those'll put me down for at least 6 hours and then I'll wake up feeling like somebody tried to ravage me in my sleep.
This time, however, there was no fever and no pills in sight.  I'm not thoroughly surprised at the weird things anymore; weird things have been happening all over the place since the quarter century mark, I'm just wondering if theres some sort of hidden checklist that has a bunch of insane circumstances that I'm supposed to be following....like a performance plan of "shock and awe." Maybe I should talk to "casting" about that....

Today was supposed to go nicely.  I was at my break place on my 6th day and if there's anywhere I'd rather be on an overtime day(outside of bpb), it would be there. I call it my break place because its low key and usually allows me a certain amount of freedoms that aren't readily available elsewhere:

• I get show pay all day
• Theres always the chance that we could do a significantly easier contingency based on ailments and technical difficulties
• I can bring my phone or book or psp or ipod right to the bench and just be chill
• Its a break from my routine and from the same faces
• No one looks to see if I've shaved
• There are costumers there to assist with basic needs and they are really good at it
• There are no huge backpack harnesses or heavy costumes to get pulled to
• I am only really obligated to talk to 3 other people if I don't feel chatty
• Sometimes there's free food
• My shift usually does not include parade
• Occasionally Gio makes one of those personalized fondit cake masterpieces for someone and we all get to celebrate and admire it
• Napping is available
• People who hate their lives tend to hang out in the dressing rooms and not in the common areas, which keeps the glum out of general line of sight
• The managers are generally agreeable and easy to approach

...but probably the best reason I like it is that I'm not there on a daily basis. I really only see it at max once a week unless I pick up an AM hole....which is really not something I do.  I feel like most of those reasons would go away or be replaced with unusable knees or hugely rolled eyeballs if I were to be placed there on a consistent basis, but fortunately that is not my lot....at this time.

Anyhow, so today was supposed to go nicely....
We had had a good group(including my roommate, which is rare), 5 shows, no life-haters in my cast, equipment was stable, out time was after the schedule drop, and I even had a packed lunch of healthy and tasty goodness...everything seemed fine.
Somewhere around lunchtime I started to feel like maybe everything wasn't so fine afterall.  I've been dealing with a muscle strain for what seems like an eon. I've grown very annoyed with it and it's spontaneous reoccurances. Really its basically because I'm not strong enough, but theres only soo much I can do about that just now.  Then there was quite suddenly a HUGE amount of paranoia about a topic that I had to deal with yesterday morning in a generally unrelated area....that suddenly became quite related to today. Its interesting how the regrettable things in life can find new ways to reinstate that dreadful feeling. Also during second show I tweaked a muscle in my back and left oblique and then thought to myself "this is not going to go well at all."  At that point it was like a flash flood of thoughts and worries and pains and fatigues(I really am still not 100% since Christmas) and I barely was able to hold it together just then. I was pretty mad that this had to be happening right during show. Really?!
What got me through that moment were the people. There were people watching me. In particular, there were 2 ladies in the section on my left and a family in the section on my right.  Of course in a round theater there are always people watching you....especially at my height, but more often then not(for me at least) there are usually a few people on either side watching me specifically. I don't pretend to be awesome or technically perfect, but I know that I give good show there 96% of the time and I quite enjoy the warm looks I see out of the corners of my eyes when I'm noticed by the audience(the other 4% is really only due to equipment failure or imminent show down occurances). I thought to myself  "these people are watching you and they are enjoying your show and I don't care if you're going to explode in 2 seconds, you WILL NOT LET THEM DOWN!"  so I summoned the reserve energies I had left and pushed through the routine...knowing that I was sealing my fate for the rest of the day.  The 2 ladies gave me this look of sheer enjoyment and admiration as they clapped with all their might. I took my bows and silently thanked them for getting me through the show and being today's reminder that I love what I do, and then I left.
...Like left completely. I walked to the manager's office and told them that I needed to go. I was tapped out of energy, in tears, mind spinning, and I wanted to be home.  They let me go. This, of course, made the other 3 in my group happy because it created that nice contingency I mentioned earlier. None of us takes offense when something like that happens and the others respond with "ooo good" and "sweet" because its understood that as untimely(but sometimes right on time) and unfortunate it is that one of us has an issue or is not well, it also makes for a much nicer day for the others. Its a general and reciprocative feeling and there is no love lost...and of course, everyone always asks the person that is leaving if they're ok. 

The walk back to my car was one of embarrassment, worry, and a little shame but I forced everything out of my mind and commanded myself to drive home without thinking.....I was too tired to argue with myself and was at this point ok with orders.  On a sidenote, I'm continuously glad that I can let my left brain give direct orders and basically run the show when things get rough. Sometimes it is simple invaluable.
I got home and vaguely remember turning on my computer and glancing at my phone and seeing that I had a text, and I remember thinking that I was thirsty and that I should g..........and then the darkness came.
That was kinda dramatic...really I just fell asleep in mid thought.....for about 3 hours.
I dreamt of nothing.
I am not really sure if  it was decent sleep, I just knew I needed it.  I woke up very confused and it took well over a minute to realize who and where I was and why, which is like aforementioned. usually a side effect of fever or drugged sleep. After I had started to collect myself the phone rang. I had again caused worry and concern with my communication silence....I hadn't meant to...it just all happened so fast that I hadn't time to send any sort of distress signal.  I hung up and collected myself. Recapped the day, traced the causes, mapped the feelings, analyzed the results, and decided to write about it(though since my blog was open when I awoke, I apparently decided that before I crashed).

I'm fine now...for the most part. The paranoia thing is generally not within my area of control so I have no choice but to let it go. My aches are something that will go away with time and less overcompensation on my part(the oblique tweaking was mostly due to that), and whether by choice or force, I slept for a few extra hours. In retrospect I guess I could see how I might have seen this coming, but I really rather prefer to not dwell on the things that could go wrong when I can just continually hope for the best.  Not the best day ever, but in the words of Marvin the Martian "There was no earth shattering kaboom" either. Just a tiny flash flood

what I would like

2009 was almost completely crappy.

I take that back...it was just mostly crappy......well really, who even knows?
I sort of feel like the beginning of it wasn't soo bad(considering...), I mean I got a nice size tax return and was determined to hold on to it as long as possible.  That at least was a success since I didn't even tap into it until August when I moved out again. I feel like for the first half of the year, money went rather well, work was great and I was even doing new things. I finally had a decent vehicle, I was getting significantly more toned physique-wise, and I was laying solid foundations in my interpersonal relationships.  So what went wrong? I don't really know the answer to that one but somehow, somewhere, things got all messed up. 
There have been a huge amount of mishaps since right about summer and though, like I said, I'm not exactly sure what the beginning was, I do know that it was pretty much a 180 by December. The details are not soo important as just the concept that it has been a very physically, mentally, and even emotionally draining 6 months. The good part is that its over....2009 is gone and I fully plan to let all of last years issues rest with it. Easier said than done.....

In an effort to at least will myself out of my apparent skepticism, I am going to create(and attach myself to) some things that I'd like to get done this year. This is based on a simillar concept brought to my attention by a good friend.

First off, I would like to save at least half of my tax return(money is tight currently and I feel like keeping all of it isn't really all that feasible) this year. It felt really good to know I had a decent size backup and that, in itself, is completely worth the struggle.

I would also like to work on the beast that is my finances...no details

Next I would like to play and perhaps finish some of those games I have for PS2 that are just sitting there taking up space because I spent soo much time playing that other thing that I don't really play anymore....and now that I have a TV, I'll be able to work on that.

I'd like to keep working  on my skills and abilities and maybe find new ones to hone.

I would like to revise my current electronics situation and perhaps find a more visually appealing yet functionaly ergonomic setup.
I want to keep writing...its been soo helpful to me and it has also made me feel better about all that long lost word knowledge and writing skill that I left on a shelf somewhere during college. It enables me to bust out that collection of $10 and $15 words I've been keeping at bay, in favor of small grunts and wide-mouthed, over-voweled exclaimations that are so prevalent at work.

I really really want to touch my toes this year. Don't laugh! All you super bendy people out there may take for granted that you can do the simplest things...like the V-sit and reach, but some of us are not so lucky. I hate faking it and I would like to eventually kick my face, so I guess I'm going to have to really buckle down to get there.

Finally, I want to do something big this year...something memorable. Something I can look back on and think "ya that was pretty cool"

I suck at rice

Its official....I can't make rice.  This causes me huge amounts of irritation because I love it soo much.  I pretty much grew up eating rice every day at home and am still quite fine with eating it merrily for probably the rest of my life. Its my favorite staple and also since I can't eat wheat anymore, it has become the "King Ding-a-ling" of my diet. It actually brings me legitimate fear to think about it.  Here's the thing...I can cook, in fact I'd say judging on my own thoughts and the many thoughts of the general public that have sampled my work, that I cook pretty darn well. I don't claim any handle on baking but I have even made some nice advances there.  I even show people how to do different things in the kitchen and give tips all the time on prep and execution, so really its not a lack of skill...just a lack of skill with rice, and I just don't know why.....chimps can cook rice, for pete's sake! Its pudding, or its raw, or its....crunchy(that was yesterday's foiled attempt) and I feel like I just can't win.

Buy a rice cooker? Sure!

Nope! I can't even cook rice in a rice cooker which is probably like the simplest convenience device ever, next to the electric kettle.  Epic Fail. I even asked mom, assorted friends, even read up on it (there were some interesting articles) and though apparently there are other people out there...chefs even....who have the same plight, they all seem to have worked it out with the help of a rice cooker. So I'm screwed.  I'm supposed to practice with this new rice cooker I got for Christmas but I really just want to give up and buy the 90 second rice singles like always, because of how much genuine anxiety it causes me.

 I want to give myself the mandate that I WILL conquer rice and make it my biatch, but I don't really know if its just going to be something I'll never be able to do.  AArgh!

Mushy stuff

No one has ever asked me that....and I think my eyes got watery a little when you said it.  Its stupid really.....but ya know how there are those phrases that you hear in movies and TV? Those concepts that you look at and think "I would like that" or those recalled stories other people tell where they had some bad experience and someone said that to them?  I really never get that, and its not at all that I wouldn't(and I have before) offer the same to anyone close to me...its just that...well its never been said to me *.  Really a lot of things that I say have never been said to me, but I don't expect it. Secretly I probably long for such things, but its never anything I would really say aloud or even let myself think about much less actively seek.  So thank you for that...it means a great deal of awesome to me and though its not one of those things that needs to be done over and over, it made everything just a little bit less hopeless to know that you cared enough to ask.....and enough to follow through.


*except for that one time a few months ago, but that was definitely not for the same reasons and it was truly an altogether worthless experience

Pertinent updates

I'm not done with my Christmas post but I have to update other things so heres some stuff that is pertinent in the meantime(there will be backtracking later for the aformentioned post though)

Attention: Due to increased call volume and popular demand, I have added an additional speed dial spot for my phone list.  Speed dial 7 status has been created to accommodate this change in personnel and is effective immediately.


I bought Dissidia for my PSP and ahve been playing it like a fiend....until my memory card somehow got corrupted and I lost 3 days worth of gaming data....so f course I found a way to cheat and get it all back with a tiny bit of interest even. I will of course go back to playing honestly........soon.


I'm very glad that HIMYM crew is all fixed now



I'm resuming facebook posting now because I no longer feel dangerous with my words...it was getting kinda iffy there for a bit, but its back under my control now


I have eaten waaay too much wheat products this past 2 days and mostly its been due to time restraints and company. Also the 99cent pretzels for cast members at Wetzels didnt help (I had 3 tonight)


I have finally seen one of the 2 movies I've been really hurting to see and it was WELL worth the wait and anticipation.  I don't really watch movies more than 1 time in the theater. Its just not really worth paying again when my memory is more than sufficient till the dvd release. Not so with this movie, I am already planning my return trip in like IMAX 3D even.  Avatar was just as good, if not better, than all the hype I have heard in passing from people. Good as in story, music, effects, battle sequence, essence, and delivery.  I really could not find anything wrong with it........just lots of "Ooo" and Ahhh"   Go see it, NOW!

I have lastly decided not to dramatically change the way I operate, this new year. Originally I had decided that I was going to be more like everyone else and less concerned with things that are not in my world. I came to the conclusion that perhaps that 180 is not such a grand idea afterall. It would probably lead to my demise and quite frankly, I just can't do that to the people that care and worry about me.

End Transmission