March

Well here I am. Nothin to do. No one to talk to. Not surprising. 

Today is the last day of slack. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of the year. Who knows if it will work out, but I kinda have to believe it will. It won't be easy, of that I'm quite certain, but it will ultimately be worth it. There isn't as much margin for error as there used to be, and the window of opportunity to live in the moment is steadily closing....and I don't want crushed fingers. I really can't depend on anyone else to help me get there....that fact is proven time and time again. No more excuses, pauses, or fears. Its time....time to get it in gear, tighten the reins, fortify the foundations, and patrol the walls.

Its campaign time

The sun came out today

I've been listening to this song from Paramore, and I feel like it sums up my thoughts nicely

Things are looking up, oh finally! 

I thought I'd never see the day when you smile at me.

We always pull through

oh when we try,

I'm always wrong but

you're never right.

You're never right!

Honestly, can you believe we crossed the world while it's asleep?

I'd never trade it in, cuz I've always wanted this!

It's not a dream anymore! Ohhh..

It's not a dream anymore!

It’s worth fighting for.

Could have given up so easily

I was a few cheap shots away from the end of me

Taken for granted,

most everything

that I would have died for

Just yesterday,

Just yeterday.

Honestly, can you believe we crossed the world while it's asleep?

I'd never trade it in, cuz I've always wanted this!

It's not a dream anymore! Ohhh..

It's not a dream anymore!

It’s worth fighting for.

When it rains, ya get wet. Sometimes you get completely soaked. Sometimes the sky is soo dark that you can't even remember what sunlight felt like and you wonder if you'll ever see it again.  The thing with rain, though, is that its temporary...clouds form, they move, they storm.....but most importantly...they eventually go away. The sun never goes away. Its always just right there waiting to be unobscured. It'll dry you off and warm you up and you'll feel brand new.

I was wrong

Nope. It got worse.  First off, a chaotic lunch where I once again did more talking than listening, and ultimately left angry because no one seems to understand my point of view. Second, a confirmation on the sucktatude of that aforementioned list. Third, the death of my cone which resulted in a considerably larger amount of strain on my already taxed, post bronchitised lungs. Fourth, the stifling of the intense desire to just blast someone full on with my opinion on things. Fifth, the realization that I might be in trouble. Sixth, .......she has a boyfriend now.......thats just awesome.

...So we're lookin at: The Chaotic Confirmation of Death, and Stifiling Realization that She has a boyfriend.

There had better be a great big beautiful tomorrow.....shining out of.......well whatever the song says

Can't get worse

Today was such a God-awful day that I can only be optimistic about tomorrow.  I know, that's weird....but I just feel like with the way everything went today, for not even just myself, there really can't be a worse tomorrow lined up.
It's really not soo much the things that happened as it is the feelings that I'm having. Mostly they are summed up in just one word: Inadequacy.  I layed in bed this morning for about 2 and half hours trying very hard to go back to sleep. I woke up super early with a headache and took some meds knowing well that I onyl had a small window of opportunity to get back to sleep before it would be too late. Epic fail, I started thinking.......well really it was more like torturing. I don't know why it is that I even spend the time beating myself up over things that are not within my power to control, though I suspect that most everyone does it at some point.  I am quite certain I used to be muuch better balanced with these sort of things and it just seems like the control I had on my ponderings is considerably more slack than even just 2 years ago. I mean, nothing could touch me back then......now I'm getting felt up every time the wind blows sour. I know I shouldn't worry and there are probably bigger things I might concern myself with but it almost starts to just run together and appear to be the same sort of importance level, which just gets soo old.

I realize I'm starting to not make sense right now, but just bear with me.

It also bothers me that I can't be nearly as helpful to people around me because I'm soo bothered by the stuff in my own way.  My friend had an awful exhausting day today also, filled with crappy pullings and tired "punch punch wrap's" and where was I to help? I tried to do what I could, but I still felt like "what I could" just wasn't good enough. I was soo mad at the day's poopy beginning that I wasn't able to really help him. I surely sucked at friendship today. Again....inadequate.  I feel stagnant in my job performance right now also. There are so many things I wish I were doing better. Granted I went from wisdom tooth and dry socket recovery to the recent bronchitis moments almost immediately, but I just feel like I should have been able to overcome those obstacles with a higher measure of grace than was delivered. Subsequently, I am really sweating the potential sucktatude of my life when that list drops in a few weeks and I'm not on it. I've waited patiently and quietly and tried not to stress over it, but I want it very badly and at this point its the only thing I would have left that isnt already done by everyone close to me. I know it isn't something that I'm entitled to by any means, but I feel as though I qualify for it on more than 1 level and would really feel saddened if I were skipped in line, ya know? (well no, probably you don't know but really the concept is all you need to understand). Probably the worst part of this whole thing is the "Out of money experience" I'm having just now.  I knew that those few days where I ate everything in sight were gonna come back and bite me. The overexpenditure has caused me to be short on cash just 2 days before my check drops........doesn't seem like a lot, but I have to eat, drive, and live between now and then and my cash stash is pretty much exhausted. Hopefully I won't have to get stuck using my "change jar of shame," but I think this time, I'm not going to get away unscathed.  Absolutely everything is magnified at a higher level of crappy when I'm in a money jam. It immasculates me and I start to feel hopeless and angry because I can't provide for myself(which leads to torturous thoughts of how I'm going to handle things when I'm providing for more than just myself). I promised myself 2 years ago that I was going to be in control at all times.....and I have made good on that promise. I didn't even touch my tax return last year until August and I've been really proactive on saving and budgeting.......but here I am again. I really just hate money.....and that Nate kid.  Time for an abrupt ending again, sorry

Sidenote: Sherlock Holmes

First I will say simply, that this movie was good.  Not only was it good.....it was impressive and I don't really just hand out such a verbal commendation with any sort of nonchalance. It was a number of things that drew my attention and sustained it for...however long the movie was. One of these was the color: When one thinks of England and the cities within, beyond the historic of course, it is well imagined that the area would be rather dull and gray. Many things give this impression such as the overcast skies and worn age of the cities...even the concept of earl grey tea lends itself to the mental image of said place being dreary. This was reflected in the scenery and color schemes and it really made the whole thing look as though one were watching an old book.
Another thing was the music: I waited till the end to see who was responsible for it and was happy to find that it was Hans Zimmer. I recognize the name from a previous movie, The Holiday, that I also really enjoyed the soundtrack to (and had ironically, if not randomly, listened to only a few hours earlier). The best way I can describe it was that it was there and it was engaging, but it didn't feel the need to jump out and make itself known....like a quiet but highly efficient colonial wife. More than likely I will be aquiring the soundtrack now also based on composer reputation instead of just the initial interest in the pieces.
The most comforting thing about the movie overall was that it was smart: There's nothing worse than a movie that has to keep checking to make sure that the audience is following along by restating things that are obvious or having characters move slower than the audience so that there is a "Blue's Clues" effect ::::cough cough Percy Jackson::::. I liked having to figure things out based on only a few seen concepts but also being able to just watch sequences unfold that required no actual thought whatsoever. It varied the experience which, in turn, made the whole thing even more interesting.  I also liked how Holmes and Watson got along. There was a mutual respect for each's work style and differences, but then they had such an interesting way of supplementing each other....it was effective but also soo natural that there was plenty of time to be sarcatic and even jovial with each other during times where the tension and danger would have made others choke.  It paralleled quite easily with a friendship of my own, though for the life of me I can't decide which of us is which character.  Anyhow, its good and I wholeheartedly recommend it to any and everyone. Go see it......like right now. GO!

The best laid plans...

What's that old saying? Something about the best laid plans not working out or being ripe for failure or whatnot. Whatever it is, I'm getting just a little bit tired of it continuously proving true....and wouldn't yu know it, its on Saturday....the worst possible day to have off, in my opinion.
This was the plan:

Get up
Sort laundry
Set up the grill and rice cooker
Clean my room while 1st load washes and food is cooking
Eat while checking online things
Dry 1st load/wash 2nd load while cleaning kitchen
Check the mailbox for my packages
Leave the house by noon(1:15 max)
Go to the parents' house to check in, write checks, and visit
Grab remaining books from home and buy new toothbrush
Arrive back home by 4pm(5pm max)
Confirm movie showtimes and food venues
Commence evening plans
Write a nice blog about how nicely today went

NOPE

The plan, which was unknowingly doomed to epic failure, was revised even before its opening sequence. The newer version displaced articles 8-11 and moved the evening timeline into the daytime(to accommodate others). Article 14 would then be subject to general overall outcome.

STILL NOPE

I woke up with a nice big migraine and had to mentally push back the timeline an hour or so to accomodate the elapsed time for pain relief.  Of course this is how the newest revision is going:

Get up
Drug myself and roll over
Get up
Decide which things to omit from the task list
Sit in bed freezing and wonder what happened to the plan
Become irate
Worry about people
Visit with parents via telephone
Forget to eat
Proceed to not sort laundry
Retrieve mail from mailbox
Become significantly more irate
Write a very stern email to the seller who sent me this inaccurate, awful, unmatching book
Leave him specific negative feedback
Wonder why the gift is taking so long to arrive
Discover that the gift I bought might not actually be coming
Discover that the entire transaction was somehow deleted
File a claim and dispute with Ebay
Try and diffuse the misunderstanding between my aunt and the photopass guy on facebook
Sit and think about how annoying this all is
Revisit with the migraine
Realize I haven't eaten and its now 4:15 in the freakin afternoon
Write a blog about it while I try and simmer down

That's where I'm at right now

.....I have nothing done, my head hurts, I'm still feezing, malnurished, and cranky.

For the good of everyone

This might sound a bit out of place or perhaps a good bit more random than is to be expected from me, but I feel as if I should express my thoughts on something......

This is 2010. A new year, a better year, the current placeholder in a long line of years filled with economic, medical, and technological advances. Things are much more efficient these days. Times are simpler, things are far more convenient, and people are living longer and healthier lives. All of these changes and improvments have caused me to be steadfast in my adamant opinion that:

There is just no place in this world that we live in, for magical powers.

I mean think about it...are things really so bad that conventional means cannot help them? No! And really what purpose do fire spells have in today's society? More than likely there will be some accident and then we'll all burn to death...I mean, who uses fire these days anyway? There's generally a significant drawback for every power that would manifest in today's times. Want to fly? Sounds easy enough right?.....until you arrive at your destination smelly, covered in bugs with rediculous looking hair and a wind weathered complexion.....and thats if you even make it there.  Powerlines and game hunters pose a sizable threat to any frequent floater.  Teleportation? all good for short distances within sight range. Do you really want to blindly teleport not knowing if someone is walking through the area or the furniture has been rearranged? All it takes is one mess up and all of a sudden your whole arm is inside a boulder.  Invisibility is nice...but only if you can turn it off. Then of course everytime something goes missing everyone looks at you...you are the only person they know that can turn invisible and walk off with things after all. Its all just waay too dangerous. What if that chick that shoots lasers from her eyes, gets mad at you and burns off your face in the moment? What good are adamantium claws going to do you? If you aren't planning on just killing everyone in your path, it might just be best to opt out on powers altogether....for the good of everyone.

this is not the tooth blog

I had A crazy thought just now...What if I took one of the hydrocodone pills and just shoved it into the gaping hole in my jaw and just let it sit there and dissolve directly in the socket and on the nerve? Would that even work?

Re-collection

So I feel like I should start collecting something.  I know, its a little odd to just decide to collect something and I suppose that's not usually how things like that are supposed to go. Be that as it may, I plan to do it anyway. Here's my train of thought...

The past few days I've been taking notice of things that people have as hobbies. Some people shop or play scheduled sports, and some watch waay too much tv or collect things or make/build things. I'm in the market for a new supplemental hobby (I used to play a video game online but I grew tired of it and I have soo many options that I end up not doing anything) and I feel like probably the easiest and no altogether unproductive option would be to collect something. Technically I collect quarters, not specific kinds or decades though just in general, I dunno why, I just like quarters......yeah definitely didn't mean to share that little fact. Anyhow I've narrowed it down to things I can repeatedly enjoy and have a minimal to slightly moderate cost that I can aquire without schedule or duty. Kind of like a purposed impulse buy, I guess. 

 Decidedly it will either be dvds or books. I am leaning more towards the latter, though, because I do like to read and have really been missing the experience since the end of college. I used to read A LOT and I really miss that option and the good times and happy thoughts that came of it.  I started learning to read in school and would always read the Archie's comics in the grocery store and beg my mom to buy me one. To this day my sister still claims she was the one who was interested in them first, but clearly she's confused. I read a lot of fictional books with magic and dragons and character development, as well as mystery novels and a few "choose your own adventure" books. Ultimately I would like to aquire all the books I've read growing up that I enjoyed(though I feel like saying I want the entire Hardy Boys Casefiles is a very lofty goal) in paperback at the very least and hopefully with the correlating artwork within each series. I dunno, we'll see how it goes. Anyhow I'm hugely tired(yes its early, but its been a really long day and I want to go to bed) and such things can be left till tomorrow to be pondered about, but I'll hopefully finalize the collection plan soon.

Who you gonna call?

My face hurts. This is a fact....a fact that I have been living with for quite a number of days now. It hurts badly. It seems that no amount of drugging will silence it. At this very moment I want to throw things because it is aching soo badly. I am in fact, continuing to write this so that I don't have to focus on that pain.

That being said...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heh so that was a few days ago, and that's as far as I got before the pain became so intense that I couldn't finish....or even move, for that matter.  Dry socket, its called and basically it means that the blodd clot that was supposed to form over the bone in the location where my tooth was pulled from has dissolved and so my bone and nerve are exposed. The problem with this is that exposed bones and nerves are clearly not supposed to happen and as such are bothered when placed in contact with...everything. This would include air and nerve pain is a type that cannot simply be eased without the use of very strong drugs. Theres no shifting of positions to make it hurt less or putting some ice on it or taking a soothing bath. No it just throbs and throbs in a completely unyielding fashion that causes you to miss out on things like sleep and eating...tons of fun, I assure you.  Anyhow back to just after I wrote that first part....

As I lay there hyperventilating and writhing around in pain barely able to even make noises I thought to myself, "This is not going to stop until I pass out from pain." There was nothing I could really do about it. I was between drug doses and I had about 3 hours before I could take another pill(plus the time it would take for that pill to get into my system). I started to panic a little and realized I could not do this alone. At this point it was about 1am and everyone was asleep but I sucked it up and called for help. I'm thankful to have people in my life that I can count on to help me out if I'm in trouble and it humbles me to think that anyone would hold me in that high of regard to put themselves at an inconvenience just to help me out. Who do you call at 1 in the morning when you're in pain enough to cry and though you know there is virtually nothing anyone can do about it(outside of an emergency room, but really who has the money for that unless you've lost a limb), you feel like if they're at least right there with you, it might help you not feel like you're gonna die? Your best friend....the person you trust the most....your speed dial number 5. And sit with me he did...for like 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. Most of my life I've played the role of that friend who comes running when you need help. The one who comes to get you when you're stranded or locked out of your house. The one who brings you something to eat when you're starved and stuck somewhere without your wallet. The friend who helps you move, loans you their car, picks you up from the airport, disguisedly offers you mint when your breath smells, and checks on you when you're sick.  Almost never does any of that get done to me, but that is my role in life and I accept it in earnest because I'm happy to make other people happy(I'm the surprise party coordinator, not the surprise party recipient).  The "almost never" is starting to lean more towards "more and more often" since this past year....and even since this past 5 months, because my friends are awesome. Not just awesome, but awesome in the right ways...like the ways I just listed. Its nice to know that I too can enjoy the comfort and ease of knowing that if I'm in trouble someone will come running.