sometimes

sometimes it just sucks
sometimes you dont know why
sometimes theres nothing you can do
even though you tried

Seeing someone

So here's the thing......
I'm seeing someone. Its been like this for a long while now.....on again off again for years, but always never really far from each other. You know how you meet someone and it just seems like they were just meant for you? Like no matter what happens....good times and bad, you'll still have each other? That's what it feels like.  Its been so long now, I can't even recall where we first met. I can tell you though that it's been memorable since then. Its not always been the best relationship, I mean there are plenty of times when I just want to slug her, times when I just want to run from her and never look back. That's the thing though, I always seem to end up right back on her doorstep....not really begging to come in, its more like reluctance but we're just......bound together, ya know? I've been seeing her a lot recently......I know I know....I shouldn't but I clearly just can't help it. Every time I turn a corner she's there. She pretty much knows the most opimal times to show up....well optimal for her anyways. I sense a small bit of snide satisfaction on her part when she gets me to come back to her, but I try to ignore it and just go through the motions. How long we'll last this time, I'm not sure. Maybe I will wisen up and leave her for good, but I doubt it. She'll just bring me back to her doorstep.........so if you need me, I'll be over at Square One's house.

Date Night

Tonight I saw probably one of the best movies I've seen recently. Though I didn't expect it to be so great, I'm glad that it was. There were just a lot of things in it that I identified with(theorhetically) and found to be smart and agreeable. It coincided with a few of the half-finished thought I had previously about marriage, including the concept of snapping out of complacency and doing something completely unexpected and meaningful to remind her that there's still something there between the two of you(I probably didnt express that concept previously, but I was really tired and fell asleep and was unable to remember what points I wanted to make when I finally got around to uploading). In any case, I liked it well enough that I plan to purchase it when it arrives on DVD....and that's a pretty big deal considering my owned movie collection is meager at best. It was nice to see a marriage function in an efficient and ultimately self-improving fashion, especially since pretty much every other show and movie paints marriage in such a crappy light that we all wonder why gay people are fighting so hard to have the option....why not just be really unhappy without the legal title? That was a little unfiltered, sorry, but I'm just really tired of the picture that society paints where most marriages fail and generally include infidelity, bitterness, lying, selfishness, and spite. I just don't see how portraying all of that ALL the time is going to encourage anyone to be different than the quote-unquote status quo. Its like my thoughts on watching Jerry Springer....I mean do we really need to be reminded daily what people are capable of? Why can't there be more examples of the good things? the highlights of hope that I want for my own future.......ah who knows.

Phase 1

Sooooo after the past few days being relatively decent and then suddenly super inconvenient, I have been looking forward to this weekend with a sort of desperate hope...hope that it will be copious amounts of awesome. So far it has been that. I have new sunglasses, my morning had Malibu in it, and I'm being chauffeured....Huzzah!
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reeeecap

So in the words of that Johnny Cash song......I hurt myself, today.

Lets recap shall we? I for some reason pulled my back/side muscle area today before parade.  I really can't explain exactly how it happened, but I knew before I got on the float, that it was not going to tickle, and boy was I right. It was just short of the most painful parade I've ever had. Imagine having a very bad sunburn and then being rolled down a steep sand slope...its like that gasping sort of  "GAAAAH, why is this happening-I can't even breathe its so awful-EGH the sensations-sooo unpleasant-kinda wanna die-please make it stop" moment where the pain shocks you so much that you can't think, but somehow you can manage to maintain the sense that it is probably not the complete end of the world. I made it through parade by sheer force of will....and I can tell you it was no small matter. Most of my movements involve either sharp and abrupt, up and down actions or twisty, leaning poses......which as you can imagine, are not good when one's back is hurt.  I was quite audiably crying out in pain. There was, however, about a foot between myself and the outside of me(if you don't know what that means then you shouldn't....so thats ok), so I'm sure no one else could hear it.  The thought in my head was "just get through it and then you can rest" and when I felt like it might be better to just be done early, I would think "if you come off now, first of all you'll have to walk for freakin ever to even get back to the gate...and then costuming will start their rude comments about you not finishing parade.....as if any of them have ever even done it."
Needless to say, upon entering the gate at step-down I pretty much collapsed in a heap of painful spasms as one usually does when they've been holding it together to reach a specific distance/time goal.  I met with the trainer and it was decided that I would go to health services. I then sat and waited to be sent........for about an hour and a half. I feel like that is really backwards and that since I was injured, I should have been sent immediately. However I don't make the rules, I just shake my head in confusion at them. Anyhow, I went to health services and waited there for another hour and a half(you think I'm joking, but parade was over by 4 and i didn't see a nurse until 7:40) to literally have nothing done but paperwork. I then returned to work to painfully finish out the day. All of this in lieu of shift releasing...

....the things we do to pay the bills

Its quiet outside....but only sort of. There are a good selection of things that make noise at 4am: air conditioning units, dogs, cars, sprinklers, clocks, buildings, trees....

I know this because I can hear it

....because I'm awake

Sleep escapes me tonight as it has escaped me for the past 4 nights. I would have thought that by now I should be continuously exhausted enough that it should just come upon me and drown out even the sounds of my roommate getting up across the hallway. It has not.......somehow I've been just getting by on the bare minimum and I'm certain that cannot be very healthy.  When you can't sleep for a few evenings in a row, you tend to give yourself more options than you would normally allow because well....ya start to give up on getting any rest at all. That being said, I have read an entire novel this evening....cover to cover, put down 3 bags of popcorn, and virtually built a few computers at an online store.  That really isn't so typical....I just am getting tired of not sleeping so I figure I might as well do something to leave off on the normal sleepless activity: Thinking.

Mess

My room. My car. My life.

A-Mess.
Mess and disaster.....has been for well over a week.  I look at it and I know it shouldn't be like that. It should be nice and neat, clean and tidy. Alas, it is not so......
Cluttered and chaotic are these places and spaces.
Gloom and unrest are the order of the day.
Anyone would probably ask me how I find anything.
The answer is that I haven't been looking
....Haven't done a damned thing.

I just sit and watch it grow...eating up the order and replacing it with disfunction.
Filling all the open spaces with junk and trash...
Making it hard to even see...
It bothers me.
It pains me to look at it...at the mess

What's the point? If I clean it, it will inevitably just get messy again.
Won't it?

Maybe if I sit and look at it long enough, it will become less painful to do so
Would that be so bad?

The point is...

There are things in this world I dont understand.......
and I dont understand that.

Maybe thats the point.....that there are always going to be things beyond our grasp.
But then I wonder, is it pointless to try and grasp it?
Would not trying to understand cause things to change?

I wonder if perhaps understanding....or rather not understanding is a relative concept.......and if I limit myself only to the things that are automatically understood, would some of these things then become less automatic?

I hope not, because that would start to unravel the simplest of things.  It causes me to also wonder, on the flip side, if there will ever be a point reached in our understanding where the thigns we question become automatic, and if then at that point there will appear a newer and more complicated set of things to not understand. I feel like that would make sense although I can't really fathom it, because it would seem quite hard to believe that any of us will ever just plainly understand everything.  but then, what would happen to the point? Does it, in turn become pointless? is there a new point......at that point?

It would sure be great if I could freakin be asleep instead of thinking points and pointlessness...ses

I was thinking about marriage tonight on the way home from dinner. Its such a big deal.
Kinda funny that it looks easy.....it even has a slew of implied bonuses. You get to spend your life with someone. Given that someone is the person you love with all your heart, you actually have a viable excuse to be codependant and its totally recognized as an institution. Not only that, but you get to stop dating around and spending your money on people who aren't ultimately going to matter later on...a huge savings.  There are tax breaks and packaged health benefits and even special retreats and vacation deals designed for married folk....I mean, what could be so wrong with that?