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Sometimes you just want to cry...

I feel like thats a normal sort of feeling. Something everyone can easily relate to. As much as I hate to admit it(like, really hate), I occasionally get those awful knots in my stomach and the lengthening of my breath while the corners of my mouth tighten and the tingling starts in the front of my face from the energy that has been sent to my tear ducts causing them to start the moisture production process that I dread more than a lot of other unpleasant experiences combined. They are not a common thing by any means...I can usually count the number of times, annually, on just one hand...but still I feel like that's even a few too many. There are a lot of things I can bear and ton of circumstances that can be handled with that calculated sort of temperament I have honed for many years, but every wall has its crack...every hull its stress point. Some are consistent, situational, impact dependent, or just a general build up, but at some point it happens to all of us.

I actually almost cried tonight during a movie.  There was a scene that for some reason just welled up a lot of unnecessary emotions inside that were just soo intense that it was all I could do not to start drippin all over the place.  I say "for some reason" with just a little slyness because its not really an unknown reason or even an invalid one...its just my reason and that will have to be reason enough for you.

It was dumb(it really wasn't) and I feel a little silly(I probably should've just let it out) about it anyhow. There really was no general basis(I had every reason to cry right then and there) for me to even be having such a time, but now that I think about it...it seems like less and less of a big deal(it was a pretty big deal) and more of just a laughable whim that will be easily forgotten(that is a complete lie right there). Really though, it's been a great year and I have soo much going that it almost feels like there's not even time to think anything but good thoughts(more lies) and continually look forward to even more exciting things for next year. Learning to be more in touch with my emotions hasn't been as hard as I originally thought(B.S.) and its just nice to reach a place where I can find a little more balance in life and not be so concerned with the things that are not in my affectable reach(I don't know if you know this, but I can also fly).

Thought Cycle

I don't want to try anymore
its too hard
not so much always as now
I just fall flat on my face
end up looking stupid...if no one else, to myself
sticking my neck out yet again
taking big steps
blind or just hopeful.....or foolish
its not a solid ratio anyhow so I don't know why I bother
maybe its cause I can't quit
can't easily see that I should just stop
not bother...
just quit...

I can't
no, I refuse to quit
theres got to be something I can do
...say
...resolve
something
"nothing" is not an option
I can't live with nothing and I won't settle for just barely
that's not me
and I certainly can't expect someone else to be me for me so I have to be me
there must be something I can do
it my seem like a little, but
all I can do is try

Gifts

These are the gifts I am giving this year. I catergorized them before I made the purchases and managed to actually come out with the theme still intact. I feel like even the recipients wouldn't really be able to guess which one is theirs:

The Gift of Remembrance

The Gift of Stuff

The Gift of Reminiscence

The Gift of Practicality

The Gift of Obligation

The Gift of Thoughtfulness

The Gift of Blind Guessing

I feel a slight bit more accomplished this year because I had a significantly smaller budget to work with, but sometimes quality and creativity go hand in hand. Hopefully everyone will enjoy what I got them....that's a modest statement....I know they'll enjoy them

Get Your Dictionary

As you may have noticed, there has been paucity of writing as of recent because generally, I have been not so grand....potentially disgruntled and altogether ambivalent to the season at hand.  Not wanting to place my melacholic embarcations on display for the general populace, I have decidedly withheld my thoughts and visceral opinions in an effort to spare said perusers the obligatory symapthies or passive annoyances stemming from the omitted topics that might have been.

While I would not resign to beguile you with fabricated versions of past day's events, somewhere within my own conscience there appears a desire to present a balanced sense of myself and my writings which as aforementioned, has been at a deficit. Thus, I have decided to repudiate the subject in it's entirety in favor of a lighter and more mainstream if not beneficial topic.....which I will convey in prose...

I am looking forward to Christmas. The good feelings and general positive additudes in the air. The spirit of thankfulness and good natured exchanges. The memories and events to look forward to. The giving...the gifts...the music...the food...all of it!  This year will be a new experience because I will be much less busy than usual. Most every year I am working...hard throughout the week of Christmas and up untill the past two years, it has been far from home.  This year will be different also because I have a different and interesting combination of friends to enjoy it with: My best friend who has proved infinitely valuable time and time again, my girl best friend who gives me her time and looks out for me even from far away, the newer addition to the HIMYM crew who's logic and math skills have made life much less insane, my roomie who's quirkiness knows no bounds, the mouse with the refreshingly even-tempered outlook on things, the ranger with muuuch more patience than me, and the girl I want to be with.  All of that alone is in itself a promising collection of fun times. There is also the family aspect of Christmas, but since my family is not super close, it won't play so nearly a big role for the holidays.  I am admitttedly excited about the gift recieveing this year because I just feel like that is going to be all kinds of awesome. On the other side, I am hugely saddened that I can't go to the extreme I wanted to for everyone's gifts this year.  I am trying the best I can to at the very least, give them something personalized, but....well I'm not full of money this year.  Anyhow, I cannot wait to see what joy this year holds.

clearly not my fault

I can't write anything substantial right now because I am exhausted.
I am exhausted because I have not really slept.
I haven't really slept because my neck and shoulder ache.
My neck and shoulder ache from doing show.
I did show because someone called in.

...I can't write because some chick called in.

Resentment

I wish I could believe you

Then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me, really don’t apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy

Once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied

And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time

‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like

I haven’t tried to forget this

But I’m much too full of resentment

....that about sums it up.  Thanks Beyonce

unfinis.......

I didn't expect to see you tonight
And I know you saw me too
No clue what to say
Not a chance to think it through

Maybe I wouldn't see
Maybe I would follow the rules
But that look in your eyes
Don't take me for a fool