Mess

My room. My car. My life.

A-Mess.
Mess and disaster.....has been for well over a week.  I look at it and I know it shouldn't be like that. It should be nice and neat, clean and tidy. Alas, it is not so......
Cluttered and chaotic are these places and spaces.
Gloom and unrest are the order of the day.
Anyone would probably ask me how I find anything.
The answer is that I haven't been looking
....Haven't done a damned thing.

I just sit and watch it grow...eating up the order and replacing it with disfunction.
Filling all the open spaces with junk and trash...
Making it hard to even see...
It bothers me.
It pains me to look at it...at the mess

What's the point? If I clean it, it will inevitably just get messy again.
Won't it?

Maybe if I sit and look at it long enough, it will become less painful to do so
Would that be so bad?

The point is...

There are things in this world I dont understand.......
and I dont understand that.

Maybe thats the point.....that there are always going to be things beyond our grasp.
But then I wonder, is it pointless to try and grasp it?
Would not trying to understand cause things to change?

I wonder if perhaps understanding....or rather not understanding is a relative concept.......and if I limit myself only to the things that are automatically understood, would some of these things then become less automatic?

I hope not, because that would start to unravel the simplest of things.  It causes me to also wonder, on the flip side, if there will ever be a point reached in our understanding where the thigns we question become automatic, and if then at that point there will appear a newer and more complicated set of things to not understand. I feel like that would make sense although I can't really fathom it, because it would seem quite hard to believe that any of us will ever just plainly understand everything.  but then, what would happen to the point? Does it, in turn become pointless? is there a new point......at that point?

It would sure be great if I could freakin be asleep instead of thinking points and pointlessness...ses

I was thinking about marriage tonight on the way home from dinner. Its such a big deal.
Kinda funny that it looks easy.....it even has a slew of implied bonuses. You get to spend your life with someone. Given that someone is the person you love with all your heart, you actually have a viable excuse to be codependant and its totally recognized as an institution. Not only that, but you get to stop dating around and spending your money on people who aren't ultimately going to matter later on...a huge savings.  There are tax breaks and packaged health benefits and even special retreats and vacation deals designed for married folk....I mean, what could be so wrong with that?

sabbatical

It was said tonight, "I want the old Jam back"

Well that makes two of us. The probem is, he's on sabbatical and hasn't left a reliable number where he can be reached. I think he got tired of all the crap and rudeness.  I dunno, maybe he started getting tired of doing other people's jobs. Perhaps hes going through some rough times and didn't know how best to handle it. Maybe he left because of you.  Anyhow though I guess you can just leave a message or something and perhaps he'll get back to you.

Heavy

so heavy

so massive

so hard to bear

i dont want to carry it

to shoulder it forever

dont even know if i can

why?

....i know why

but that doesnt help

i'd say its not fair

but what really is fair

and why would expect it to be

its just

soo

heavy

Curiosity killed the mood

"hmm I didn't know she was on here too....oh. 2 blogs? Oh cool well I kinda wanna see what she writes about. Probably I shouldn't though cause....well I dunno. Maybe I'll just take a glance..."

CLICK
..........wowwww

Did I ask you to leave him for me? DID I?
I didn't....in fact I told you that I would not be the rebound or the way out. I told you that right on that bench in front of the Virgin Megastore the night we ran into your roommate's parents.
I told you I was not perfect. I told you it was very possible that I would break your heart.

Do you know how hard it is to have everything you do, slanted and exaggerated and then reported to someone else? Do you know what its like to have everyone on your case all the time about things that are far from their own business? Do you know what its like to try and try and hope that someone you care about will just find the silver lining of the clouds for themselves even just once?

If you do, then you should have understood.
If you don't, then you should have kept your mouth shut.

The relationships and friendships that you ruined mirror the ones I gave up. You forget that there is no "friend prenup" and I didn't get to keep anyone. In addition, there was the sacrifice of my own best friendship to appease your jealousy. Who pressed you to go to the auditions when you mentioned them? Who urged you to go to the dance classes? Who helped you with the money stuff and budgeting and occasional bill? Who told you to stand up for yourself when he wanted to push you around? Who was ready to fight for you right then and there in that parking lot?
Did the vacuum come running everytime you finished parade unable to breath? Did he support your dreams and encourage new ones? Did he try to make you laugh so you wouldn't stress about the little things? Did he present you with logical solutions when things weren't so great?
I can assure you that I am not listing these things for self-exhortation. I just want to make sure that if you're going to say that I was/am selfish, that you remember ALL of the facts....not just the ones that support your contentions.

While we're there, I would love to hear about the time when I pushed you to make bad choices, you know....while I was "in your head"

There was no way I was going to let them bring up the wedding. I don't like to sit idly by and wait for tension to be brought to my doorstep while I might be still trying to compose myself.......so I stepped up and said it myself to show them that it was fine and that I was ok, because whether or not I was actually ok, it is only my place to present myself that way. If you had asked me about it, I would have told you that because I am not ashamed of it.  I AM happy for you and I have always BEEN happy for you. I have been silent all this time because I have wanted nothing more than to see you grow and be a strong woman and depend on yourself and find your own happiness....but if the opposite is what you still believe then that is all the proof that I don't always get my way.

pardon

excuse me sir, but can i borrow your girlfriend? better yet, can i just take her off your hands completely?

I'd say "well, you're not using her" but really i feel as though the opposite is true. truthfully i think that you are using her entirely too much.......like sucking the life out her on a daily basis. i'm surprised she is still functioning. its a lot to bear and she is clearly becoming more and more stressed out and weary...i so hate to see her this way. regular baggage aside, it certainly seems as though most of this is caused by your very presence in her life. there is soo much about you that is needy and childish (which is a little suspect, given your actual age) that maybe you might be better suited with a team of specialists or perhaps a stalk of celery. i think either of those would be fine. its just so clearly about you and although you do your absolute best to drive that point home, she still seems to hold onto that tiny hope that you might take notice of her....sad isnt it. i promise to treat her with every ounce of consideration that shes been missing out on from you and shower her with the gifts that you have been too cheap and selfish to provide.  i will do my best to be everything that are not.  that way, the sun can continue to orbit you uninterrupted. thanks soo much for your time...i know its very precious to you. i just need your initials here and here and if you could just sign and date right here and i'll go ahead and take over...