Unsilent

So I guess its my turn....
I hate crying
I never feel better after
I don't find it a positive experience
it just makes my face hot,
my eyes puff up,
my nose run,
and my heart heavy

But I can't help it
....I care too much.

I spent the whole day trying not to care, to just be fine, to prove that I can do it alone.
All I really proved was that I'm a jackass.

I forget(a lot) that you care as much as I do....that it matters to you too, when we're not ok. I know just how much it intensifies the potential suckage of everything else wrong. I never really used to know that concept, and would always wonder why people would let stuff like that just wreck their whole day. Its because IT MATTERS. It isn't fair of me to put you through that....its selfish and I am truly sorry. What good is it to pretend that I'm fine to be alone when I know that deep down, I'm scared of it just like everyone else? I guess I do it to maybe build a callous so that when it ends up that way, it won't be a shock.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Things don't seem to make as much sense as they used to. I feel like I'm mad all the time.  I'd say its stress but honestly I don't even know what to be stressed about. Its not even anything anyone did. I, for the most part, am just angry with myself. I keep thinking that if I could just shut it all off and not feel, that it would be ok....but I can't go back there. I can't go back to being emotionless and unconcerned with things. I worked soo hard to undo all that. I just feel like I'm running on a treadmill thinking I'm going somewhere when really, I'm just wearing myself out in the same corner of the garage. I also can't help but think that I really ought to have it together by now.  Then I wonder why I don't and a few things come to mind....but that's no excuse. I should be stronger...wiser.....braver....less unruly. I should be thriving in that higher standard that I let slip through my grasp. The bottom line is: I suck, and I really really don't want to be me.  It has been a nagging feeling for the past few months. I've been trying to silently punch it in the face hoping it will stay down, but it just keeps poppin back up all nice and disgustingly fresh. What do I do about that? Why can't I shake it off? Why can't I just get scheduled toy 7 Sun-Wed?

As hard as things seem sometimes, I know that we both would have long since gone crazy without each other around....and I thank God for you all the time. Even when I'm mad at you I still recognize that at least I care enough to be upset(though that doesn't really help you out a whole bunch)....and then I think "what if something awful happened to you and I was busy being upset over something stupid?" and then I get sad and irritated with myself for even being angry in the first place and.....well you get the picture.

You still mean the world to me