Pre-Christmas

Christmas was awesome!!!

Clarification: This was not the actual Christmas, but rather a few days before, because I knew that actual Christmas was not going to be nearly as awesome, so I planned ahead thereby creating my own suitable Christams experience.

Probably the best part was just seeing everytone there having a good time(really the best part was the awesome gifts, but shhh we'll just pretend).  Dinner was at BJ's, one of my newer favorite restaurants...its kinda like Cheesecake Factory, but less expensive in price and ambience. I think the food is there is awesome and we had a really nice and attentive server and the place was mostly empty because blah blah blah blah took forever to get chips blah blah blah blah the meal was free blah blah blah blah...

Ok so gifts.....

It was really awesome to see the looks on everyone's faces at the gifts that I got them

and even more pleasing to know that even though I was severely short on cash this year, I was able to at least get them all something....and at that, something specific and enjoyable. 

Of course the only thing better than giving gifts and seeing how people recieve them is in fact getting gifts yourself, lol.  It was quite amazing to recieve gifts that were of significant quality and expense(they got me some really good stuff) and I think my face nearly fell off with delight.

All in all it was an awesome evening and I love and cherish all my friends that celebrated it with me. Probably the best pre-Christmas ever!

...

...I really was looking forward to you coming to town, so it makes me a little unhappy that you aren't available. 
I get it, they're not going to see you when you move back and everything and its the holidays and its family and all that.

I understand...

Its just that I miss you too ya know? Its been a really bothersome 2 months and though I fully planned and expected that you would have things to do, I didn't think that I would be having to schedule a single, tiny, little space of time in which to see you. 
Just kinda lets the wind out of my sails a bit.
Its not your fault and I'm not mad
.....just.....well....I dunno

( )

Sometimes you just want to cry...

I feel like thats a normal sort of feeling. Something everyone can easily relate to. As much as I hate to admit it(like, really hate), I occasionally get those awful knots in my stomach and the lengthening of my breath while the corners of my mouth tighten and the tingling starts in the front of my face from the energy that has been sent to my tear ducts causing them to start the moisture production process that I dread more than a lot of other unpleasant experiences combined. They are not a common thing by any means...I can usually count the number of times, annually, on just one hand...but still I feel like that's even a few too many. There are a lot of things I can bear and ton of circumstances that can be handled with that calculated sort of temperament I have honed for many years, but every wall has its crack...every hull its stress point. Some are consistent, situational, impact dependent, or just a general build up, but at some point it happens to all of us.

I actually almost cried tonight during a movie.  There was a scene that for some reason just welled up a lot of unnecessary emotions inside that were just soo intense that it was all I could do not to start drippin all over the place.  I say "for some reason" with just a little slyness because its not really an unknown reason or even an invalid one...its just my reason and that will have to be reason enough for you.

It was dumb(it really wasn't) and I feel a little silly(I probably should've just let it out) about it anyhow. There really was no general basis(I had every reason to cry right then and there) for me to even be having such a time, but now that I think about it...it seems like less and less of a big deal(it was a pretty big deal) and more of just a laughable whim that will be easily forgotten(that is a complete lie right there). Really though, it's been a great year and I have soo much going that it almost feels like there's not even time to think anything but good thoughts(more lies) and continually look forward to even more exciting things for next year. Learning to be more in touch with my emotions hasn't been as hard as I originally thought(B.S.) and its just nice to reach a place where I can find a little more balance in life and not be so concerned with the things that are not in my affectable reach(I don't know if you know this, but I can also fly).

Thought Cycle

I don't want to try anymore
its too hard
not so much always as now
I just fall flat on my face
end up looking stupid...if no one else, to myself
sticking my neck out yet again
taking big steps
blind or just hopeful.....or foolish
its not a solid ratio anyhow so I don't know why I bother
maybe its cause I can't quit
can't easily see that I should just stop
not bother...
just quit...

I can't
no, I refuse to quit
theres got to be something I can do
...say
...resolve
something
"nothing" is not an option
I can't live with nothing and I won't settle for just barely
that's not me
and I certainly can't expect someone else to be me for me so I have to be me
there must be something I can do
it my seem like a little, but
all I can do is try

Gifts

These are the gifts I am giving this year. I catergorized them before I made the purchases and managed to actually come out with the theme still intact. I feel like even the recipients wouldn't really be able to guess which one is theirs:

The Gift of Remembrance

The Gift of Stuff

The Gift of Reminiscence

The Gift of Practicality

The Gift of Obligation

The Gift of Thoughtfulness

The Gift of Blind Guessing

I feel a slight bit more accomplished this year because I had a significantly smaller budget to work with, but sometimes quality and creativity go hand in hand. Hopefully everyone will enjoy what I got them....that's a modest statement....I know they'll enjoy them

Get Your Dictionary

As you may have noticed, there has been paucity of writing as of recent because generally, I have been not so grand....potentially disgruntled and altogether ambivalent to the season at hand.  Not wanting to place my melacholic embarcations on display for the general populace, I have decidedly withheld my thoughts and visceral opinions in an effort to spare said perusers the obligatory symapthies or passive annoyances stemming from the omitted topics that might have been.

While I would not resign to beguile you with fabricated versions of past day's events, somewhere within my own conscience there appears a desire to present a balanced sense of myself and my writings which as aforementioned, has been at a deficit. Thus, I have decided to repudiate the subject in it's entirety in favor of a lighter and more mainstream if not beneficial topic.....which I will convey in prose...

I am looking forward to Christmas. The good feelings and general positive additudes in the air. The spirit of thankfulness and good natured exchanges. The memories and events to look forward to. The giving...the gifts...the music...the food...all of it!  This year will be a new experience because I will be much less busy than usual. Most every year I am working...hard throughout the week of Christmas and up untill the past two years, it has been far from home.  This year will be different also because I have a different and interesting combination of friends to enjoy it with: My best friend who has proved infinitely valuable time and time again, my girl best friend who gives me her time and looks out for me even from far away, the newer addition to the HIMYM crew who's logic and math skills have made life much less insane, my roomie who's quirkiness knows no bounds, the mouse with the refreshingly even-tempered outlook on things, the ranger with muuuch more patience than me, and the girl I want to be with.  All of that alone is in itself a promising collection of fun times. There is also the family aspect of Christmas, but since my family is not super close, it won't play so nearly a big role for the holidays.  I am admitttedly excited about the gift recieveing this year because I just feel like that is going to be all kinds of awesome. On the other side, I am hugely saddened that I can't go to the extreme I wanted to for everyone's gifts this year.  I am trying the best I can to at the very least, give them something personalized, but....well I'm not full of money this year.  Anyhow, I cannot wait to see what joy this year holds.

clearly not my fault

I can't write anything substantial right now because I am exhausted.
I am exhausted because I have not really slept.
I haven't really slept because my neck and shoulder ache.
My neck and shoulder ache from doing show.
I did show because someone called in.

...I can't write because some chick called in.

Resentment

I wish I could believe you

Then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me, really don’t apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy

Once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied

And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time

‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like

I haven’t tried to forget this

But I’m much too full of resentment

....that about sums it up.  Thanks Beyonce

unfinis.......

I didn't expect to see you tonight
And I know you saw me too
No clue what to say
Not a chance to think it through

Maybe I wouldn't see
Maybe I would follow the rules
But that look in your eyes
Don't take me for a fool

Take A Crappy

Take a moment...clear your head...
Imagine the worst possible morning full of everything crappy that could go wrong

...now delete that
Now imagine the same concept again but this time substitute all the crappy things for abstract but equally crappy, crappy things that you hadn't thought to think of before
And then add some light crap in the afternoon and maybe a reprimand.
Well now that you've just recapped my day in your head, I don't have to tell you how it went.

Just for example sake, I will at least tell you of one of the things from today that was particularly awful. It was item number two in the chronological sense. I was laying in bed thinking and it occured to me that I should send my friend, who was getting married this Saturday, a text. We have know each other for years and she is a good friend even though I've not seen her terribly often in the last year. We still keep in touch, though and so I was only too delighted to be invited to her wedding. She sent the invitation much earlier in the year and as such I had to remind myself a few times that it was happening so I could request the day off from work. The time came to request, but I missed the cutoff but wasn't hugely worried because I would either have the friday or the saturday off naturally and could potentially swap shifts with someone if it didn't line up the way I wanted. Anyhow of course when the schedule dropped last week I was scheduled on the Saturday. No worries though, I have since found someone to swap with and its going to work out fine. I even grabbed one of my nice double breasted suits when I stopped at home-home this past Monday. Back to this text though. I reached for my phone this morning and typed out "Hey hey hey, 3 more days!" just to reaffirm that I had not forgotten and would be there with bells on. I can imagine she's excited or nervous or whatever girls are when they are soon to be wed. I even thought to myself "heh that even rhymes" ...I'm so funny.

Anyhow, I set my phone down and all of a sudden cant remember what time the wedding is. Where did I put the invitation? Ah yes here it is right under my laptop. My smug grin abruptly turned to horror when I read the card closely and found that the wedding had taken place this past Saturday and I had pulled a total No Call No Show.  They've been married for like 5 days now and I feel like a total loser....total.  Who does that?! who gets the date wrong to a wedding and then requests time off for that wrong date and sends a clearly hilarious confirmation text which really should be be a "omg omg I'm soo sorry. I can't believe I missed your wedding" text....which is what I sent right after.  They won't, of course, get those texts until after they return from the honeymoon but that justs means I'll get to relive the utter embarassment yet again in another week.  So glad I wasn't bringing a date with me as that would be even more awful to explain when I realized.

Good thing I have Saturday off now so I can do....nothing?

(yes I realize that that was a crappy ending, but you're just gonna have to deal with that...cause really you don't have any other options)

Sarah who?

Know how you go into a movie thinking "This is going to be great. I've heard such good things about it" and you leave thinking, "Maybe they have multiple versions of this film, and I somehow got the sucky one"

Ya sooo......
Last night I started watching my latest Netflix hardcopy: Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  I managed to fall asleep about a third of the way into it and found myself thinking.....after i woke up.....that I should probably wake up a little earlier than usual and finish it so that I could put it back in the mail as soon as possible. Really I could have just skipped the part where I watched it altogether, but I like to get a nice dose of things before I write them off.  Initially I was enthused because I was unaware of who all were starring in the movie. Sarah was played by this hot blonde that I saw a few times on Heroes and the hotel girl was the one chick from That 70's Show that also does the voice of Meg Griffin on Family Guy(she looks quite nice in this movie) and of course Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother. My delight soon turned do dismay though when I was forced to see Jason Segel naked with his penis floppin all around.....which unfortunitely, was not the last time.  There was a lot of nudity from him even after the puppet show and though I realize he must be incredibly comfortable with his body, I on the other hand am not......comfortable with his body.  Also there was this guy who was the "new boyfriend" only he was just really really horrid looking and also chunky and got very annoying even though he provided me with the one or two laughs total that I had during the movie.  A few times I had the thought "Who would even do that?" in response to some of the ways the characters were handling the various situations that were proposed. I'm not supposed to be asking myself that......its a fictional movie and I should be readily accepting all the outrageous hijinks that ensued, but somehow I just could not involve myself enough in it to even believe any of it.  I feel like a few things were skipped over that maybe should have been explained, and sometimes the events in the storyline weren't even cohesive. That bugs me.

After finishing it and being completely unimpressed, I happened upon the start of the credits where it said: Written by Jason Segel.
.....he wrote it himself.
That explains the huge amounts of unecessary nudity(really I could have gone my whole life without the penis flapping section...it was very Bruno), and the ending, which I felt was sub par at best....A puppet show?

Why Jason??? Why do you want to give me this to watch and then tell me you wrote it?  Its like when you're close with someone and they have a talent that they feel like they're awesome at and you know that in reality, they are very far from that awesome. You just don't bring it up and hope that they dont go overboard with it and start sharing their less than amazing talents with people who are only too happy to set them straight.
Anyhow, I'm gonna have to give a big Hmmm No to this movie as it kind of reminded me of plain yogurt...dull, lacking, and unremarkable with a bad after taste.

A puppet show? Really??

Conflict

I feel conflicted...
It is for that reason, I did not write this post until today...which is technically tomorrow, but for me now is yesterday.

I don't know what to do
I don't know how to act
I don't know....anything, in fact
Its a struggle right now to keep it together

People are starting to notice
The part of that I dislike the most is that they will assume that I am unhappy with what I'm doing
...I love what I'm doing....all of this would be far worse if I were still trapped elsewhere getting in trouble for breathing on the wrong counts

The other part is the comments
No, I had no clue I wasn't smiling, thank you soo much for telling me
....I shouldn't have written that....my sarcasm is having a field day with my conflictedness
Probably I shouldn't have written any of this

I'm gonna be done for now

Rain

Rain is the root of all evil....really it is.  Rain cancels plans and complicates things. Rain causes you to not be able to pick up that couch from that chick even though you went to all that trouble to get a truck. Rain is often times responsible for the demise of such things as:

• Weddings
• Parties
• Fantasmics
• Barbecues
• Golf
• Skydiving
• Picnics
• The Beach
• Concerts
• Running

These are just some of the things that are cancelled by rain and we all know this is just a sample of the hundreds of outdoor activities that are ruined, delayed, or botched all on the account of rain. To be completely fair, here are some things that most of us don't mind when rain comes to play:

• Lawn care
• EMH shifts

As you can see, this list is much shorter. Thank you for your time

Neither here nor there

Have you ever thought to yourself  "Maybe I should just get out of here....leave town or something?"

What are you supposed to do after that? I mean, what's the thought you have after saying that to yourself that makes you just not think about it anymore?

I can't remember...

It was so long ago that I left here and went there....so long I almost can't even drudge up the few fleeting recolections of why I had wanted to leave.  Perhaps it was my parents being strict or the thought of feeling stuck traveling down the obligatory road that seemed to be laid out for me. Maybe it was the thought of fresh faces and different outlooks. Ha maybe it was the girl to guy ratio at the University I was looking at or the music program highlights. Whatever it was, it was far more appealing than here.

I can't say that I don't like it here, on the contrary, I love it. There are a bunch of options as far as activities and opportunities. The catch is, most of these opportunites require a car and/or money to decently enjoy. We won't go into much detail there since money and I are fighting just now. In any case, most of the reason I returned from there was because I missed here so badly. Years had gone by...people...cars...girlfriends...classes...jobs...apparel...hair styles...life. Yet as content as I felt about all that had transpired, I still missed being here. More than just family and friends and social connections and people that could drive decently and 4 cents less on the dollar of sales tax, I missed how I felt being here.  I missed how nice it felt to walk outside and know that more than likely it would be warm outside...seeing the sun shine(and then burn all the moisture out of your body) and things grow(and occasionally get burned up in a pittiable mess) and knowing that it was going to be exactly like this for at least 8 months out of the year. In some ways I missed not having to be soo responsible. There, I had to keep track of literally everything because I didnt have anyone nearby to help me if things went wrong. Added to that, I was in quite an assortment of leadership positions throughout those years and it was beginning to become a lot to bear....I needed a break. Eventually, of course, responsibility will find you whether you've made yourself ready ro not and though I was prepared for it, I knew I had just a bit longer before it was fully mine to carry.

Situations started to rise and there was tension at work....tension with my friends...roommates, everything. All I wanted to do was just come home.  Not that there would never be drama at home or that I wouldn't ever have work drama, but all of that is much simpler to deal with on your own playing field. When you're the home team, you get the advantage of knowing the ins and outs of the game board and what shortcuts to take. Handling situations becomes much easier when you have family and friends nearby and the assuredness of I-4 traffic in the morning. A lot of times I miss some of the good times I had there, but sometimes it takes going away for a while to realize just what home means to you. I didn't even realize I had started typing "home" instead of "here"....I guess they are pretty close to the same thing for me.

I remember now...

All that time there made me realize that here....home is where I belong.

35 seconds

I didn't tell her

No one knew

I was driving...not even next to another person

A simple text

Status update, really

Just 35 seconds

RING

"You're awesome" I tell her

"Hi....I know" she laughs

She must have me on stalk

I'm ok with that

Its a nice feeling to feel

I strive for that kind of response time
Not perfected, but decent progress
My heart is there at least
Post-parade asthma attacks
Dehydrated alpha unit calls
Second show stop pass-outs
Steamboat weezing
Whether friend or foe
Current or ex
Someone should be there

4am

I can see the moon from my window...its almost as bright as my computer screen. I can't quite tell if its full or not, but it looks that way. I really don't feel like looking it up.

It makes me think of you...