sabbatical

It was said tonight, "I want the old Jam back"

Well that makes two of us. The probem is, he's on sabbatical and hasn't left a reliable number where he can be reached. I think he got tired of all the crap and rudeness.  I dunno, maybe he started getting tired of doing other people's jobs. Perhaps hes going through some rough times and didn't know how best to handle it. Maybe he left because of you.  Anyhow though I guess you can just leave a message or something and perhaps he'll get back to you.

Heavy

so heavy

so massive

so hard to bear

i dont want to carry it

to shoulder it forever

dont even know if i can

why?

....i know why

but that doesnt help

i'd say its not fair

but what really is fair

and why would expect it to be

its just

soo

heavy

Curiosity killed the mood

"hmm I didn't know she was on here too....oh. 2 blogs? Oh cool well I kinda wanna see what she writes about. Probably I shouldn't though cause....well I dunno. Maybe I'll just take a glance..."

CLICK
..........wowwww

Did I ask you to leave him for me? DID I?
I didn't....in fact I told you that I would not be the rebound or the way out. I told you that right on that bench in front of the Virgin Megastore the night we ran into your roommate's parents.
I told you I was not perfect. I told you it was very possible that I would break your heart.

Do you know how hard it is to have everything you do, slanted and exaggerated and then reported to someone else? Do you know what its like to have everyone on your case all the time about things that are far from their own business? Do you know what its like to try and try and hope that someone you care about will just find the silver lining of the clouds for themselves even just once?

If you do, then you should have understood.
If you don't, then you should have kept your mouth shut.

The relationships and friendships that you ruined mirror the ones I gave up. You forget that there is no "friend prenup" and I didn't get to keep anyone. In addition, there was the sacrifice of my own best friendship to appease your jealousy. Who pressed you to go to the auditions when you mentioned them? Who urged you to go to the dance classes? Who helped you with the money stuff and budgeting and occasional bill? Who told you to stand up for yourself when he wanted to push you around? Who was ready to fight for you right then and there in that parking lot?
Did the vacuum come running everytime you finished parade unable to breath? Did he support your dreams and encourage new ones? Did he try to make you laugh so you wouldn't stress about the little things? Did he present you with logical solutions when things weren't so great?
I can assure you that I am not listing these things for self-exhortation. I just want to make sure that if you're going to say that I was/am selfish, that you remember ALL of the facts....not just the ones that support your contentions.

While we're there, I would love to hear about the time when I pushed you to make bad choices, you know....while I was "in your head"

There was no way I was going to let them bring up the wedding. I don't like to sit idly by and wait for tension to be brought to my doorstep while I might be still trying to compose myself.......so I stepped up and said it myself to show them that it was fine and that I was ok, because whether or not I was actually ok, it is only my place to present myself that way. If you had asked me about it, I would have told you that because I am not ashamed of it.  I AM happy for you and I have always BEEN happy for you. I have been silent all this time because I have wanted nothing more than to see you grow and be a strong woman and depend on yourself and find your own happiness....but if the opposite is what you still believe then that is all the proof that I don't always get my way.

pardon

excuse me sir, but can i borrow your girlfriend? better yet, can i just take her off your hands completely?

I'd say "well, you're not using her" but really i feel as though the opposite is true. truthfully i think that you are using her entirely too much.......like sucking the life out her on a daily basis. i'm surprised she is still functioning. its a lot to bear and she is clearly becoming more and more stressed out and weary...i so hate to see her this way. regular baggage aside, it certainly seems as though most of this is caused by your very presence in her life. there is soo much about you that is needy and childish (which is a little suspect, given your actual age) that maybe you might be better suited with a team of specialists or perhaps a stalk of celery. i think either of those would be fine. its just so clearly about you and although you do your absolute best to drive that point home, she still seems to hold onto that tiny hope that you might take notice of her....sad isnt it. i promise to treat her with every ounce of consideration that shes been missing out on from you and shower her with the gifts that you have been too cheap and selfish to provide.  i will do my best to be everything that are not.  that way, the sun can continue to orbit you uninterrupted. thanks soo much for your time...i know its very precious to you. i just need your initials here and here and if you could just sign and date right here and i'll go ahead and take over...

So I Bought a Guitar

So I Bought a Guitar. 

I missed it.  It helped to be able to pound out some chords and strum my fingers numb when I wanted to not think about stuff. I remembered the times Dustin and I would play together and sing to that "Em   D/F#   G" riff...times when we'd think about nothing else but things that could be...things that were possible...things we hoped for.  I want that back.

So I bought a Guitar

Unsilent

So I guess its my turn....
I hate crying
I never feel better after
I don't find it a positive experience
it just makes my face hot,
my eyes puff up,
my nose run,
and my heart heavy

But I can't help it
....I care too much.

I spent the whole day trying not to care, to just be fine, to prove that I can do it alone.
All I really proved was that I'm a jackass.

I forget(a lot) that you care as much as I do....that it matters to you too, when we're not ok. I know just how much it intensifies the potential suckage of everything else wrong. I never really used to know that concept, and would always wonder why people would let stuff like that just wreck their whole day. Its because IT MATTERS. It isn't fair of me to put you through that....its selfish and I am truly sorry. What good is it to pretend that I'm fine to be alone when I know that deep down, I'm scared of it just like everyone else? I guess I do it to maybe build a callous so that when it ends up that way, it won't be a shock.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Things don't seem to make as much sense as they used to. I feel like I'm mad all the time.  I'd say its stress but honestly I don't even know what to be stressed about. Its not even anything anyone did. I, for the most part, am just angry with myself. I keep thinking that if I could just shut it all off and not feel, that it would be ok....but I can't go back there. I can't go back to being emotionless and unconcerned with things. I worked soo hard to undo all that. I just feel like I'm running on a treadmill thinking I'm going somewhere when really, I'm just wearing myself out in the same corner of the garage. I also can't help but think that I really ought to have it together by now.  Then I wonder why I don't and a few things come to mind....but that's no excuse. I should be stronger...wiser.....braver....less unruly. I should be thriving in that higher standard that I let slip through my grasp. The bottom line is: I suck, and I really really don't want to be me.  It has been a nagging feeling for the past few months. I've been trying to silently punch it in the face hoping it will stay down, but it just keeps poppin back up all nice and disgustingly fresh. What do I do about that? Why can't I shake it off? Why can't I just get scheduled toy 7 Sun-Wed?

As hard as things seem sometimes, I know that we both would have long since gone crazy without each other around....and I thank God for you all the time. Even when I'm mad at you I still recognize that at least I care enough to be upset(though that doesn't really help you out a whole bunch)....and then I think "what if something awful happened to you and I was busy being upset over something stupid?" and then I get sad and irritated with myself for even being angry in the first place and.....well you get the picture.

You still mean the world to me

Oh Saturday, how I hate thee

Its official....I hate Saturdays.

I really did try not to, I promise, but its just that I cannot keep pretending that there aren't like 50 kajillion reasons why Saturdays suck.

If we were to even go back in time, we'd find that I haven't ever really had much Saturday luck. All of the jobs I've had were rather dependant on the weekend for business. Retail....Food Service....Entertainment....all mainly centered around weekend business to make the bread.  Servers make most of their cash on weekends, retail stores are busiest then and sell much more product, and of course if people are going to go see a show....its not gonna be a Tuesday night event.  Movies don't release on Wednesday afternoon and sales at the mall aren't usually titled "Monday Morning Clearance."  Back farther still, there was always some sort of function with my church when I was younger, that filled the weekend.  Church Choir....Prayer meetings......Undershepherds....Fine Arts Rehearsals. By the time Monday would roll around, I'd be almost just as tired as I was on Friday.  My teachers would ask the class if we had all had a nice restful weekend and I'd be thinking "restful? ha!"

I feel like I can safely say that I have never had Saturdays off. That's pretty much ok with me though and since I've never really known any better, it would only annoy me to suddenly be a Mon-Fri person. By far, one of the biggest reasons I hate Saturdays is because everyone else has them off.  Trying to get anything done is like pulling teeth.......which ironically is also not done on Saturdays.  I have to make other arrangements for any appointment I need to make because more than likely, they aren't open on Saturdays. Have you ever tried to drive down 535 by Downtown Disney on a Saturday evening? You'll spend 30 minutes covering 1 mile of road and will be significantly disenchanted from whatever fun thing you were going to do. Dinner plans? Forget it unless you booked reservations beforehand. Parking? Those annoying drivers who suddenly decide they need to switch lanes RIGHT NOW and block a whole lane instead of just going to the next street up to make that U-turn. None of that is even counting the crappy schedule drops where you're consistently scheduled someone else's casting or the part where you got off 2 hours beforehand and really don't want to drive back just to look but can't bear not to know. GAH! I'm starting to get mad again.

I'm sure its rough on the other of the spectrum......not being able to go to that concert or party because you're working Saturday, or having to cancel that trip because you couldnt get anyone to cover your weekend shift....

...But really you can just read about that in someone else's blog.

I would rather just work Saturdays and be off a a nice day like Monday........ahhh Mondays......I love those. Perhaps we might just do away with Saturdays and instead just give everyone a random day off during the week, with the option to sync up with a few other friends or something. I dunno, I'm sure that's a terrible idea but probably I'm going insane from all the Saturday Blues. Apparently I hate everything these days though, so I guess we can just add this to that list

"L"

So here's the thing.......
I dropped the "L" bomb....
I dropped it and you didn't even soften....
You reluctantly said it back with an air of "ok ok can we just get this over with?"
.......
......
.......really?
I feel like you must know just how much that is not part of my everyday vocabulary, so it raises the thought, do you just not care? What, is this not a convenient time for you? Want me to come back on another occasion to end the pride silence contest?
....yeeeeeah probably not.
I think I just might reign it back in.
Perhaps it is best to save the energy it would take to salvage things.
Clearly I am the only one even concerned about it....
because you're stone.....
and if you are really willing to be ok with that....to survive like that
then I guess I have to be ok with that too,
because frankly, there's not a damn thing I or anyone else can do to help
...if you won't soften.
Its fact and I know it to be so
.....because that's exactly who I used to be.
I hardened myself almost completely to everything and everyone around me
I built walls so that nothing could touch me
or hurt me
or make me cry.
But the thing is...when you shut all that out,
you also shut out everything good right along with it
and that's something you, yourself have to realize...
because no matter what else is said or done,
you're the only one
who can take down those walls
and soften
.....for my
"L"

3/10/10

I liked today, I really did.  Pointedly, I have rather enjoyed most of the days this week. They've been relatively decent weatherwise and it hasn't been any great struggle to get through it. Granted I called in on Monday, but that was completely necessary to the improvment of my quality of life. I have of course neglected to write about it but only because I'm so tired at the end of the night, these days, that I am resigned to just drop alseep upon pillow impact. I don't really find that to be too disturbing because...well I need sleep.

Speaking of that, I'm gonna cut this one short and go face plant a pillow. Night

seasonal addiction

So I feel as though I should announce the re-arrival of my second favorite beverage in all the fair land that is America.....the strawberry lemonade fruitista freeze.  This delightful blend has been MIA for some time while Taco Bell was busy pushing the pina colada and creme swirl seasonal varieties. All the while, I've just been waiting and hoping for the return of my mistress.  Outside of my first and true love, this is probably the most enjoyable drink not only for its tangy taste, but also for the way it soothes one's thirst on hot Florida days. I HIGHLY recommend that anyone and everyone try one ASAP....before I buy them all. Literally I have to try to keep from having one everyday...I drink one and I immediately want another. There have been times when I stop inand the machine isn't working.....and then I drive to another Taco Bell and get one there. Its really bad. Who knows when they will take it away from me again without warning?! I can't even think about it, it displeases me soo much. Please try one and be addicted to it too so I can start a support group.

less pertinent update

Update on my collection.  I did end up deciding it was to be books and have since acquired a nice bundle from Ebay with only the smallest of hassle. The first set was the series that begins with "A Wrinkle in Time"

I remember reading this book and perhaps one or two of its following stories, but I know I enjoyed it (and have since read this first one to confirm), and am glad to finally own decent copies....no thanks to one of my sellers.

Next is the Enchanted Forest Chronicles which I remember to be really fun and full of magic and mystery....can't wait to jump into those either.  And of course I'm still in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series (may that movie burn for eternity in Tartarus)........Gah! I love reading.