Pre-Christmas

Christmas was awesome!!!

Clarification: This was not the actual Christmas, but rather a few days before, because I knew that actual Christmas was not going to be nearly as awesome, so I planned ahead thereby creating my own suitable Christams experience.

Probably the best part was just seeing everytone there having a good time(really the best part was the awesome gifts, but shhh we'll just pretend).  Dinner was at BJ's, one of my newer favorite restaurants...its kinda like Cheesecake Factory, but less expensive in price and ambience. I think the food is there is awesome and we had a really nice and attentive server and the place was mostly empty because blah blah blah blah took forever to get chips blah blah blah blah the meal was free blah blah blah blah...

Ok so gifts.....

It was really awesome to see the looks on everyone's faces at the gifts that I got them

and even more pleasing to know that even though I was severely short on cash this year, I was able to at least get them all something....and at that, something specific and enjoyable. 

Of course the only thing better than giving gifts and seeing how people recieve them is in fact getting gifts yourself, lol.  It was quite amazing to recieve gifts that were of significant quality and expense(they got me some really good stuff) and I think my face nearly fell off with delight.

All in all it was an awesome evening and I love and cherish all my friends that celebrated it with me. Probably the best pre-Christmas ever!

...

...I really was looking forward to you coming to town, so it makes me a little unhappy that you aren't available. 
I get it, they're not going to see you when you move back and everything and its the holidays and its family and all that.

I understand...

Its just that I miss you too ya know? Its been a really bothersome 2 months and though I fully planned and expected that you would have things to do, I didn't think that I would be having to schedule a single, tiny, little space of time in which to see you. 
Just kinda lets the wind out of my sails a bit.
Its not your fault and I'm not mad
.....just.....well....I dunno

( )

Sometimes you just want to cry...

I feel like thats a normal sort of feeling. Something everyone can easily relate to. As much as I hate to admit it(like, really hate), I occasionally get those awful knots in my stomach and the lengthening of my breath while the corners of my mouth tighten and the tingling starts in the front of my face from the energy that has been sent to my tear ducts causing them to start the moisture production process that I dread more than a lot of other unpleasant experiences combined. They are not a common thing by any means...I can usually count the number of times, annually, on just one hand...but still I feel like that's even a few too many. There are a lot of things I can bear and ton of circumstances that can be handled with that calculated sort of temperament I have honed for many years, but every wall has its crack...every hull its stress point. Some are consistent, situational, impact dependent, or just a general build up, but at some point it happens to all of us.

I actually almost cried tonight during a movie.  There was a scene that for some reason just welled up a lot of unnecessary emotions inside that were just soo intense that it was all I could do not to start drippin all over the place.  I say "for some reason" with just a little slyness because its not really an unknown reason or even an invalid one...its just my reason and that will have to be reason enough for you.

It was dumb(it really wasn't) and I feel a little silly(I probably should've just let it out) about it anyhow. There really was no general basis(I had every reason to cry right then and there) for me to even be having such a time, but now that I think about it...it seems like less and less of a big deal(it was a pretty big deal) and more of just a laughable whim that will be easily forgotten(that is a complete lie right there). Really though, it's been a great year and I have soo much going that it almost feels like there's not even time to think anything but good thoughts(more lies) and continually look forward to even more exciting things for next year. Learning to be more in touch with my emotions hasn't been as hard as I originally thought(B.S.) and its just nice to reach a place where I can find a little more balance in life and not be so concerned with the things that are not in my affectable reach(I don't know if you know this, but I can also fly).

Thought Cycle

I don't want to try anymore
its too hard
not so much always as now
I just fall flat on my face
end up looking stupid...if no one else, to myself
sticking my neck out yet again
taking big steps
blind or just hopeful.....or foolish
its not a solid ratio anyhow so I don't know why I bother
maybe its cause I can't quit
can't easily see that I should just stop
not bother...
just quit...

I can't
no, I refuse to quit
theres got to be something I can do
...say
...resolve
something
"nothing" is not an option
I can't live with nothing and I won't settle for just barely
that's not me
and I certainly can't expect someone else to be me for me so I have to be me
there must be something I can do
it my seem like a little, but
all I can do is try

Gifts

These are the gifts I am giving this year. I catergorized them before I made the purchases and managed to actually come out with the theme still intact. I feel like even the recipients wouldn't really be able to guess which one is theirs:

The Gift of Remembrance

The Gift of Stuff

The Gift of Reminiscence

The Gift of Practicality

The Gift of Obligation

The Gift of Thoughtfulness

The Gift of Blind Guessing

I feel a slight bit more accomplished this year because I had a significantly smaller budget to work with, but sometimes quality and creativity go hand in hand. Hopefully everyone will enjoy what I got them....that's a modest statement....I know they'll enjoy them

Get Your Dictionary

As you may have noticed, there has been paucity of writing as of recent because generally, I have been not so grand....potentially disgruntled and altogether ambivalent to the season at hand.  Not wanting to place my melacholic embarcations on display for the general populace, I have decidedly withheld my thoughts and visceral opinions in an effort to spare said perusers the obligatory symapthies or passive annoyances stemming from the omitted topics that might have been.

While I would not resign to beguile you with fabricated versions of past day's events, somewhere within my own conscience there appears a desire to present a balanced sense of myself and my writings which as aforementioned, has been at a deficit. Thus, I have decided to repudiate the subject in it's entirety in favor of a lighter and more mainstream if not beneficial topic.....which I will convey in prose...

I am looking forward to Christmas. The good feelings and general positive additudes in the air. The spirit of thankfulness and good natured exchanges. The memories and events to look forward to. The giving...the gifts...the music...the food...all of it!  This year will be a new experience because I will be much less busy than usual. Most every year I am working...hard throughout the week of Christmas and up untill the past two years, it has been far from home.  This year will be different also because I have a different and interesting combination of friends to enjoy it with: My best friend who has proved infinitely valuable time and time again, my girl best friend who gives me her time and looks out for me even from far away, the newer addition to the HIMYM crew who's logic and math skills have made life much less insane, my roomie who's quirkiness knows no bounds, the mouse with the refreshingly even-tempered outlook on things, the ranger with muuuch more patience than me, and the girl I want to be with.  All of that alone is in itself a promising collection of fun times. There is also the family aspect of Christmas, but since my family is not super close, it won't play so nearly a big role for the holidays.  I am admitttedly excited about the gift recieveing this year because I just feel like that is going to be all kinds of awesome. On the other side, I am hugely saddened that I can't go to the extreme I wanted to for everyone's gifts this year.  I am trying the best I can to at the very least, give them something personalized, but....well I'm not full of money this year.  Anyhow, I cannot wait to see what joy this year holds.

clearly not my fault

I can't write anything substantial right now because I am exhausted.
I am exhausted because I have not really slept.
I haven't really slept because my neck and shoulder ache.
My neck and shoulder ache from doing show.
I did show because someone called in.

...I can't write because some chick called in.

Resentment

I wish I could believe you

Then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me, really don’t apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy

Once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied

And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time

‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like

I haven’t tried to forget this

But I’m much too full of resentment

....that about sums it up.  Thanks Beyonce

unfinis.......

I didn't expect to see you tonight
And I know you saw me too
No clue what to say
Not a chance to think it through

Maybe I wouldn't see
Maybe I would follow the rules
But that look in your eyes
Don't take me for a fool

Take A Crappy

Take a moment...clear your head...
Imagine the worst possible morning full of everything crappy that could go wrong

...now delete that
Now imagine the same concept again but this time substitute all the crappy things for abstract but equally crappy, crappy things that you hadn't thought to think of before
And then add some light crap in the afternoon and maybe a reprimand.
Well now that you've just recapped my day in your head, I don't have to tell you how it went.

Just for example sake, I will at least tell you of one of the things from today that was particularly awful. It was item number two in the chronological sense. I was laying in bed thinking and it occured to me that I should send my friend, who was getting married this Saturday, a text. We have know each other for years and she is a good friend even though I've not seen her terribly often in the last year. We still keep in touch, though and so I was only too delighted to be invited to her wedding. She sent the invitation much earlier in the year and as such I had to remind myself a few times that it was happening so I could request the day off from work. The time came to request, but I missed the cutoff but wasn't hugely worried because I would either have the friday or the saturday off naturally and could potentially swap shifts with someone if it didn't line up the way I wanted. Anyhow of course when the schedule dropped last week I was scheduled on the Saturday. No worries though, I have since found someone to swap with and its going to work out fine. I even grabbed one of my nice double breasted suits when I stopped at home-home this past Monday. Back to this text though. I reached for my phone this morning and typed out "Hey hey hey, 3 more days!" just to reaffirm that I had not forgotten and would be there with bells on. I can imagine she's excited or nervous or whatever girls are when they are soon to be wed. I even thought to myself "heh that even rhymes" ...I'm so funny.

Anyhow, I set my phone down and all of a sudden cant remember what time the wedding is. Where did I put the invitation? Ah yes here it is right under my laptop. My smug grin abruptly turned to horror when I read the card closely and found that the wedding had taken place this past Saturday and I had pulled a total No Call No Show.  They've been married for like 5 days now and I feel like a total loser....total.  Who does that?! who gets the date wrong to a wedding and then requests time off for that wrong date and sends a clearly hilarious confirmation text which really should be be a "omg omg I'm soo sorry. I can't believe I missed your wedding" text....which is what I sent right after.  They won't, of course, get those texts until after they return from the honeymoon but that justs means I'll get to relive the utter embarassment yet again in another week.  So glad I wasn't bringing a date with me as that would be even more awful to explain when I realized.

Good thing I have Saturday off now so I can do....nothing?

(yes I realize that that was a crappy ending, but you're just gonna have to deal with that...cause really you don't have any other options)

Sarah who?

Know how you go into a movie thinking "This is going to be great. I've heard such good things about it" and you leave thinking, "Maybe they have multiple versions of this film, and I somehow got the sucky one"

Ya sooo......
Last night I started watching my latest Netflix hardcopy: Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  I managed to fall asleep about a third of the way into it and found myself thinking.....after i woke up.....that I should probably wake up a little earlier than usual and finish it so that I could put it back in the mail as soon as possible. Really I could have just skipped the part where I watched it altogether, but I like to get a nice dose of things before I write them off.  Initially I was enthused because I was unaware of who all were starring in the movie. Sarah was played by this hot blonde that I saw a few times on Heroes and the hotel girl was the one chick from That 70's Show that also does the voice of Meg Griffin on Family Guy(she looks quite nice in this movie) and of course Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother. My delight soon turned do dismay though when I was forced to see Jason Segel naked with his penis floppin all around.....which unfortunitely, was not the last time.  There was a lot of nudity from him even after the puppet show and though I realize he must be incredibly comfortable with his body, I on the other hand am not......comfortable with his body.  Also there was this guy who was the "new boyfriend" only he was just really really horrid looking and also chunky and got very annoying even though he provided me with the one or two laughs total that I had during the movie.  A few times I had the thought "Who would even do that?" in response to some of the ways the characters were handling the various situations that were proposed. I'm not supposed to be asking myself that......its a fictional movie and I should be readily accepting all the outrageous hijinks that ensued, but somehow I just could not involve myself enough in it to even believe any of it.  I feel like a few things were skipped over that maybe should have been explained, and sometimes the events in the storyline weren't even cohesive. That bugs me.

After finishing it and being completely unimpressed, I happened upon the start of the credits where it said: Written by Jason Segel.
.....he wrote it himself.
That explains the huge amounts of unecessary nudity(really I could have gone my whole life without the penis flapping section...it was very Bruno), and the ending, which I felt was sub par at best....A puppet show?

Why Jason??? Why do you want to give me this to watch and then tell me you wrote it?  Its like when you're close with someone and they have a talent that they feel like they're awesome at and you know that in reality, they are very far from that awesome. You just don't bring it up and hope that they dont go overboard with it and start sharing their less than amazing talents with people who are only too happy to set them straight.
Anyhow, I'm gonna have to give a big Hmmm No to this movie as it kind of reminded me of plain yogurt...dull, lacking, and unremarkable with a bad after taste.

A puppet show? Really??

Conflict

I feel conflicted...
It is for that reason, I did not write this post until today...which is technically tomorrow, but for me now is yesterday.

I don't know what to do
I don't know how to act
I don't know....anything, in fact
Its a struggle right now to keep it together

People are starting to notice
The part of that I dislike the most is that they will assume that I am unhappy with what I'm doing
...I love what I'm doing....all of this would be far worse if I were still trapped elsewhere getting in trouble for breathing on the wrong counts

The other part is the comments
No, I had no clue I wasn't smiling, thank you soo much for telling me
....I shouldn't have written that....my sarcasm is having a field day with my conflictedness
Probably I shouldn't have written any of this

I'm gonna be done for now

Rain

Rain is the root of all evil....really it is.  Rain cancels plans and complicates things. Rain causes you to not be able to pick up that couch from that chick even though you went to all that trouble to get a truck. Rain is often times responsible for the demise of such things as:

• Weddings
• Parties
• Fantasmics
• Barbecues
• Golf
• Skydiving
• Picnics
• The Beach
• Concerts
• Running

These are just some of the things that are cancelled by rain and we all know this is just a sample of the hundreds of outdoor activities that are ruined, delayed, or botched all on the account of rain. To be completely fair, here are some things that most of us don't mind when rain comes to play:

• Lawn care
• EMH shifts

As you can see, this list is much shorter. Thank you for your time

Neither here nor there

Have you ever thought to yourself  "Maybe I should just get out of here....leave town or something?"

What are you supposed to do after that? I mean, what's the thought you have after saying that to yourself that makes you just not think about it anymore?

I can't remember...

It was so long ago that I left here and went there....so long I almost can't even drudge up the few fleeting recolections of why I had wanted to leave.  Perhaps it was my parents being strict or the thought of feeling stuck traveling down the obligatory road that seemed to be laid out for me. Maybe it was the thought of fresh faces and different outlooks. Ha maybe it was the girl to guy ratio at the University I was looking at or the music program highlights. Whatever it was, it was far more appealing than here.

I can't say that I don't like it here, on the contrary, I love it. There are a bunch of options as far as activities and opportunities. The catch is, most of these opportunites require a car and/or money to decently enjoy. We won't go into much detail there since money and I are fighting just now. In any case, most of the reason I returned from there was because I missed here so badly. Years had gone by...people...cars...girlfriends...classes...jobs...apparel...hair styles...life. Yet as content as I felt about all that had transpired, I still missed being here. More than just family and friends and social connections and people that could drive decently and 4 cents less on the dollar of sales tax, I missed how I felt being here.  I missed how nice it felt to walk outside and know that more than likely it would be warm outside...seeing the sun shine(and then burn all the moisture out of your body) and things grow(and occasionally get burned up in a pittiable mess) and knowing that it was going to be exactly like this for at least 8 months out of the year. In some ways I missed not having to be soo responsible. There, I had to keep track of literally everything because I didnt have anyone nearby to help me if things went wrong. Added to that, I was in quite an assortment of leadership positions throughout those years and it was beginning to become a lot to bear....I needed a break. Eventually, of course, responsibility will find you whether you've made yourself ready ro not and though I was prepared for it, I knew I had just a bit longer before it was fully mine to carry.

Situations started to rise and there was tension at work....tension with my friends...roommates, everything. All I wanted to do was just come home.  Not that there would never be drama at home or that I wouldn't ever have work drama, but all of that is much simpler to deal with on your own playing field. When you're the home team, you get the advantage of knowing the ins and outs of the game board and what shortcuts to take. Handling situations becomes much easier when you have family and friends nearby and the assuredness of I-4 traffic in the morning. A lot of times I miss some of the good times I had there, but sometimes it takes going away for a while to realize just what home means to you. I didn't even realize I had started typing "home" instead of "here"....I guess they are pretty close to the same thing for me.

I remember now...

All that time there made me realize that here....home is where I belong.

35 seconds

I didn't tell her

No one knew

I was driving...not even next to another person

A simple text

Status update, really

Just 35 seconds

RING

"You're awesome" I tell her

"Hi....I know" she laughs

She must have me on stalk

I'm ok with that

Its a nice feeling to feel

I strive for that kind of response time
Not perfected, but decent progress
My heart is there at least
Post-parade asthma attacks
Dehydrated alpha unit calls
Second show stop pass-outs
Steamboat weezing
Whether friend or foe
Current or ex
Someone should be there

4am

I can see the moon from my window...its almost as bright as my computer screen. I can't quite tell if its full or not, but it looks that way. I really don't feel like looking it up.

It makes me think of you...

Cadillack

I could very easily have died today...
For serious, two plots were formed and I narrowly escaped with my life!

The first attempt I cannot go into great detail about due to the nature of the position, but lets just say that in the first show stop, the head broke and every time I would bend forward it would jab me in the face, which is of course unsafe for this type of thing and it was bad enough that it would just wag all to the side every time I.......

AHEM

I could very easily have died today...
For serious, A plot was formed and I narrowly escaped with my life!

I was leaving Chipotle during my lunch break and driving along trying to make up for lost time. Chillin in my lane all nice and green lit contemplating the seasoned goodness in my steak bowl. All of a sudden this dude in his Escalade comes from outta nowhere tryin to get all up in my lane......on his cell phone of course so clearly that means when you make a right turn its OK to just pull into the far lane even if there is another car there. The fact that my brakes are screeching as I try desperately to keep from crashing, are of little concern to him because he is still listening to the phone and only slightly realizing that he is driving like a nut job. Then there is that moment where I can see him trying to decide whether he should continue to occupy my lane or coast back into the one he should have pulled out into....he made the wrong choice, resulting in me having to drive off the road since there isn't a lane in the grass. The worst part is that this fool laughed....LAUGHED at my visual duress when clearly he was the sole reason there was anything less than sheer Chipotle joy on my face.
This further proves my theory that people with Cadillacs are not nice. You don't see Caddy drivers letting you get into a turn lane or stopping to help others by the side of the road, NO! They're too busy chatting on their cell phone (which is somehow not hands-free despite the apparent financial bliss they seem to enjoy) or being either altogether irresponsible or senile. Usually these Cadillacal offenders are too young, too old, or too preoccupied to be driving sanely. It's like they entice the narcoleptic elderly and the silver-spoon fed teen with the same dual image of cool and safe, but really its only applicable inside the deathmobile. Meanwhile, the rest of us must suffer the consequences of these ill-fated mishappenings and blatant disregardations(yes I just made those words up, whats it to you?) of people who are not of sound mind and body, as they threaten our vehicular lives with their selfish choices!

The good news is, Cadillacs are easily spotted and can be maneuvered around discretely, as not to alert the mentally compromised occupants.....yes my friends, there is hope. I escaped with my life today and for that I am thankful...but be warned: They are not to be trusted or given sanction and quarter.....they are the enemy and we must do what is necessary, nay, what is just, to keep their Cadillack-luster displays from our streets and crosswalks.

Go forth and drive boldly!

???

What do I do now that I have finished all the Heroes episodes that can be seen to date?

What time tonight will I regret not taking that little nap because I was watching Heroes?

Where did that sizable cockroach go that was crawling near my bed earlier?

Why do I keep having these headaches like every day?

What happened to that girl that could copycat things she saw....I mean, I totally saw her get rescued like a season ago?

Why can't I have two days off like a normal person?

Where does all my money go?

Who's idea was it to make it so that Peter can only hold one power at a time?

What's the point of giving a deaf woman the power to see sounds as colors?

Where are my car keys?

blah blah Turkey

Blah blah blah blah I'm gonna write about what I'm thankful for.

First off I'm thankful to be alive. There are a lot of people out there that are not alive, and by the grace of God, I am not one of them.
Of course there is being physically alive and then there is the other kind of alive...which we will call Alive (note the capital "A"). That distinction is where you aren't just living life, but absorbing and enjoying everything it has to offer. Celebrating every joy and every sorrow as a gift and a treasure.....really living, ya know?

These are in no specific order by the way.

I'm thankful for my experiences. Without the things I've gone through, both good and bad, I'd never have made it here and never have realized how much farther I still have to go. There are two experiences that I won't be thankful for, but everything has its purpose after all.

I'm thankful for Block party Bash. There is not anything else on property that I enjoy doing as often...mostly because its fun, its fast, and I'm not perfect at it. When you've mastered something it becomes much easier to place it on autopilot. Since there are still things I can do better or at the very least with better consistency, I still feel like tons more time can be spent doing that parade with the same amount of joy as when I first learned it.

I'm thankful for my best friend. There is not a single person on planet earth that knows as much about me as he does. Its hard for me to really open up to anyone(though I'm great at telling people lots of nothing) and though its not always been easy, I can say with certainty that it has been worth it. He's a true friend and a loyal confident and I don't know what I'd do without him.
....correction, I'd probably have gone insane several times over by now if he'd not been there. On the same token I'd do anything for him too...even beat up waves of hired assassins with my bare hands if that were suddenly necessary(if you don't know that to be true, I'm gonna just let them assas you).

Last but not least(per the above disclaimer), I am thankful that things are rarely ever set in stone. We all make mistakes and though some of them we cannot take back, many of them can be salvaged and perhaps turned into something good.....redemption I guess. I have personally done a lot of screwing up, but I can also proudly say that I have and will continue to try and work things out towards a positive result.
Now pass the yams.

Press conference

I've decided to give up.

Its been long enough now and I've fought with myself about it to the point that I just don't see what is so worth holding on to. Maybe its not your fault. Maybe you're just too busy and I'm just being stupid about it.....I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I finally started to think that it was possible and that even if for just a short while, I might be just a little bit lucky. That's why I tried. Even though I knew better...even though I was scared. Most of this year I have been lacking in courage and perhaps(perhaps is much to light, I'd say its more like definitely) settling for connections that are not extraordinary. I've been afraid of getting too close because I don't want to hurt anyone, and though I realize that is no way to live, it still takes a conscious effort to push past that blast shield that I have inconspicuously placed around my.....well....that thing that makes feelings and stuff. Anyhow, I had hoped that maybe it would be alright to lower it a little and finish out the rest of the year with a little more strength and dignity, but I guess I will have to settle for the realization that I am now just talking to myself....again. I am, however, done settling for the time being and opting for some lighter shades of grey so we'll see how that pans out.

Beautiful Liar

I don't enjoy lying.
Occasionally it is necessary and I'm very good at it for the most part, but I still don't like doing it.

Telling a lie may seem like a one-time experience, but a lot of times you have to tell additional lies to maintain the original one...unless you tell a very solid base lie. Where people go wrong is that they tell a completely inaccurate and unrehearsed lie that is usually not consistent with their personality. Bad idea. These are easily unraveled and/or disproved because they were just hastily spun and not well presented. The best lie is one that is so close to the truth that your body feels completely comfortable telling it. There is no need to tell and extravagant story complete with things that fly and outrageous 6 car pile ups when a simple variation on the actual story (one which relieves you from direct responsibility) will suffice. Even in a hopelessly messed up situation where you were supposed to "know better" you can even add an additional scene in which you chastise yourself for a trivial version of the offense, thereby alleviating some of the focus from the actual travesty. Of course the next step is to review your story. The farce should also be well within your normal set of situations...nothing too far fetched, nothing ultra heroic or more conniving than people are accustomed to from you. Practice what you will say and even toss in a mock rebuttal.
Preparation is hugely important because no one wants unanswered questions or motives, so you should plan for at least 2-3 questions that you will not deflect, but intercept and fold into your tale: "Ya that's what I thought too, but he really didn't seem to mind at all...it was weird, but he and I don't even really..."
Delivery should be smooth and somewhat casual if not apologetic. You cannot force them to buy your story, but you CAN tell it as if there is not really an option but to accept it as the truth. You can make people believe things that are explainable false if you present it well enough, but of course you must buy your own story. the lie must become not only the truth for them, but also the truth for you...one that you must now own and not stray from. No one will believe something that you yourself don't believe...and since most of communication is body language, you have to include your entire countenance into your story to ensure its success. Try to make a connection. If you can get the person to empathize with what you're allegedly dealing with, they are far more likely to overlook any details that don't necessarily line up.

Looking straight into some one's eyes and knowing that you're lying and that they are buying it does feel kinda cool though...but I feel like it could easily become addictive and so its best not to even tempt myself with the notion.
....ok maybe I like lying just a little bit
No no I didn't say that.....look into my eyes and you'll see its the truth

Worry

I'm worried....

I don't like to worry...in fact I am the crusader against worrying to practically everyone I know. Unfortunately like with all good advice, it is applied easiest to other people.

Basic worrying can usually be divided into sections. I call these the Big Five.

Money
Time
Heart
Health
Faith

If you think about it, most anything substantial is in these catergories ranging from the life-changing to the petty. They aren't numbered because they rank differently to everyone, but they are all important enough to be worried about. Naturally I'm a bit worried about all of them but there are two that are really stressing me out right now. What annoys me the most is that I am powerless to change the things that bother me the most at times....as we all are. More often than not, there is a solution or at the very least a band-aid for every woe and instance, but there are some things that just cannot be solved...and those are the things we must concede. I don't have the patience to worry for long and I'm sure I will be seemingly care-free by tomorrow morning proper, but for right now not even mindless video gaming can deter me from my thoughts :(

Hope

An interesting evening I did have. I've recapped it slightly and came to the familiar conclusion that we are capable of modifying our own realities on so many levels, to what we wish to perceive.

...maybe that sounded too stuck up....what I mean to say is: you can make your own glass half full.

So many stories, fiction and non, have taught us that the human spirit is near impossible to crush and I wonder some times if there is more to that than just the simple head nod we give it. What if we could apply it to everything around us? I suppose some of us do that naturally while others run the opposite direction, but can you imagine what a difference it would make? Adjusting and adapting life's variables to fit into a constant positive outlook is tedious, yes, but wouldn't it be worth it to be happy?

Several things this evening weren't perfect....a headache...cold chipotle....a sub par movie...lack of funds...
I was still happy about it because frankly I missed my friend and nothing was going to stand in the way of us hanging out. I thought to myself that it was funny that even though not all the pieces lined up easily, as long as the main idea was intact, it still worked out fine.

What if through every trial...every unpleasant situation, we could all somehow just find the positive main idea and let that shining thing dull out all the other things that aren't so wonderful. Would it be so bad to simply refuse to see it as a setback and instead see it as just something to climb over? I realize I'm not discovering a new concept here but sometimes we forget what we're really capable of. Sometimes its just nice to remember that even though bad things happen, we have it within ourselves to find the good in it...and to hold that good high in the air and shout "This is my joy...and it cannot be taken from me!"

I feel like that is not only optimism or perseverance........but also it is hope

Indifference

that's not bug 6

I woke up at 6:55 this morning and I was not happy about it. Since the new casting i pretty much never have to use my alarm clock because I'm now in after noon everyday. Today was the day of "G at the H" into bug6....a shift that made no sense. Though I am not a huge fan of some "G at the H," I had resigned myself to just suck it up and look towards the last part of the day, where I would get to rock it out bug pal style.
That ended abruptly around noon as I was moved to Big Blue.

I gave myself the walk down to the cafeteria to get over it...not that its a huge deal...I was just wanting to be a bug. Needless to say, I had an awesome parade. It was a blast and I had a blast doing it as I always do. As usual, it always makes me think about how lucky I am.

I love my job.

How many people do you know who love their jobs? The extent of the inconveniences I encounter are being moved to something I dont particularly care for as much...or having to do it in the rain...or its hot outside. thats kind of it...nothing huge, nothing demeaning. Probably the best thing about doing my job is that it makes me happy. No matter what happened or how or when or with who; I can push it aside and just dance and yell and laugh and make people happy...and that in turn makes me happy.

Just a today

So today is just a today. A day that I got a few things done, but nothing super special. This is mostly because I didn't really plan out my day past just the first part, which consisted of taking people to the airport. Now that they are gone and I am left to fend for myself these next few days I have the thought that maybe I should have given this more thought. Granted I have Netflix for a bit longer and can crank out another season of Heroes; I just think that might be too unremarkable of a recap for when they return. I might collect reciepts for the new budget or stretch or organize things. Maybe hang with some other friends or visit my parents. All of that can wait for tomorrow though (and the ungodly hour that i'll be waking for work) because today is just today and I didn't make plans, so I'm just gonna chill, be planless, and have an altogether unremarkable day


addendum: That didnt really end up happening like that....
I visited my parents
picked up my winter apparel
bought some groceries
played some video game
cleaned my bathroom
stretched
napped
hung out with another friend
watched Heroes and finished this blog...haha. Guess it was remarkable afterall

late post

I feel like maybe you might have forgotten or perhaps just need to be reminded......
that there is nothing friendship cannot handle. no matter what the argument is...no matter who was wrong or what was said...no matter what it turned into or how bad it is...
At the end of the day, you still mean just as much to me as you did the day before...and the one before that. Because that is how we roll

Awesome

You know what? That's just awesome!
its awesome that such a great evening can go straight down the toilet
even more awesome that the day started out in the toilet too
its almost like running at both ends

sooo AWESOME!

the if and when

Sometimes i wonder what i will do when i procreate. how will i handle it? will i be good at it? how will i make the rules? how will i enforce them? how will i talk about the hard things? where will i get the money to support them? will i really make it to the concerts and/or games? what will be my official stand on world issues? will i give them my beliefs or just the ones i feel like they should have? will i talk to them like equals or like subordinates? will they think i'm funny? will i find them funny? when do i tell them? what will i do if they cry? what will i do if they are threatened? how will i cope when, at times, they do not like me? will they understand that i only mean the best? what will i do when they are old enough to make their own lives? when should i let them go? will anyone ever love them like i will? will they take care of me when i am old?

will they be proud of the choices i made in life....and of the ones i make in their presence?

1M

You know how they say money doesn't buy happiness? It is the root of all evil and it creates more problems the more of it you have. Screw that. I'm pretty sure about 90% of my problems would be solved with a big fat check. Not really because I think money is just so awesome, but because I don't like worrying about monetary things and I want to just make people happy. A lot of it would be sent on just fixing things for others and myself.

Paying off the debts of my parents and moving them to a newer house.
Paying off my sister's debts and giving her a nice bit of money to move to New York
(she's always wanted to Ive up there....cant imagine why)
Getting Casey a car and a very nice Mac.
Providing Lindsey with enough plane tickets to come visit whenever she wanted.

A nice piece would go into various savings, money market, and stock portfolios because who wants to have money now and then be broke later.
Then I would probably rent out Chipotle for an evening and buy everyone dinner and perhaps take Evelyn on a quick trip to.....well the details are a little blurry, but there should be a beach and great food and a personal concierge there.

I wouldn't quit my job, but I would certainly drop status because even though I want to still work(if nothing else for the cardio and free happiness), I just don't see myself working 6 days a week when I'm loaded.

Of course I'd settle all my own debts, get a bunch of jeans from The Buckle, and purchase an assortment of wish list electronics.....but I feel like all that would just be a perk to all the fun things I could do for other people. I also feel like just 1 million dollars would be enough to cover that. believe me, I've spent many an hour-long drive to work thinking about it.

...i like her

so today i got to spend 3 hours with an interesting, funny, smart girl. i woke up to the sound of my voicemail on my day off....work summoning me in with the promise of overtime, but after i had contemplated it and called them back, the shift was filled and i was returned to my day off. i texted her offering plans and she accepted, so i revised my day to accommodate the sizable chunk of time it would take for those plans. it always seems to end up being 3 hours whenever we're together and though sometimes virtually nothing gets done, it is still worth every second.

...i like her

she lives far away
she's too young for me
our schedules are annoyingly opposite
she has a ton of ballet flats(and probably wears skinny jeans with them)
she hasn't quite learned to unlock my door when i open hers
shes as busy as i am

...but i like her

she has a sweet disposition
the prettiest eyes
she looks extra beautiful all dressed up
she cares about people
she can take a joke and even make one back
her mood is not set in stone
she makes her decisions for herself

....and i like her even more

I Watched TV

I did a very interesting thing last night......I watched TV. This may not seem like such a huge deal to anyone but the people who know me decently. I am not, by any means, a television watcher. The TV is often on at work or at people's homes and I look at it because it distracts me, but for the most part I let it pass me by. Before I get to previously mentioned event, I feel as though I should point out the reasons why I do not watch.

1. I have no TV
2. Watched waaay too much TV as a child
3. I don't like the way it makes me feel
4. It isn't fair to TV

When I say I have no TV, it is more like a removed relative situation...as in, "I have no son" implying he is dead to me or doesnt live with me. Factually, I have 3 TV's: 2 live at home-home and one lives with my friend Steve.

Growing up in a strict household had its downs......
naturally when you are a child told not to watch television, it becomes your personal goal to watch as much as you can. My sister and I watched more TV than I even care to recall, so I'm a little burnt out on it now. I added TV to the box with Doritos and Ramen and marked it "Ehh"

TV sucks me into it's little world for hours on end because I very rarely watch it, and when it has had its way with me I feel ashamed at how much time has gone by that I can never get back.

Lastly, I feel as though show watching is something I am supposed to set aside weekly time for. Others are dedicated to their shows....religious even. I just cannot put that much effort into it due to my work schedule and probably the fact that I just don't care enough so really its not fair to TV for me to do it halfway.

Anyhow, moving on.....
I watched Nip/Tuck last night and though the episode wasn't really the issue, I feel like I've missed out on something. When did it beecome necessary for explosions, death, sex, or yelling to be included in regular programming? When did we become the judges of "eww why is that ugly girl walking on screen now?" Remember the good old days when we used to watch Family Matters or cartoons like He-Man and She-Ra? when problems were simple and solved in a single episode?
Recently I fired up some of those golden episodes of He-Man and you know what?

they sucked.
honestly I thought to myself, "I used to enjoy watching this?" Isn't that awful? I really can't imagine what entertainment would be like today if nothing had changed. Whether TV changed us or we changed it, may never really be understood. What if all these dramatic advances into our lives and psyches have done irrepairable damage to us as a species? What if all of our interpersonal relationships are on the brink of a complete social meltdown?

...that actually sounds like it would make a good concept for a TV show