Watched your color fade

When I first met you, you were sweet. Sweet, innocent, and happy.

I liked you then.

You wanted so badly to be a part of everyone else around you.

I watched you achieve the goals you set out.

You were happy then.

When I saw you last year, you were lost. Lost, tainted, and confused.

I didn't like you then.

You surrounded yourself with the wrong kind of people.

I watched you become them.

You lost sight of what made you happy.

When I see you now, you are sad. Sad, lonely, and unfulfilled.

I feel sorry for you now.

You don't know who to be anymore.

I watch you squander the things you've been given.

You are so unhappy now.

Starving Cambodian child

.......So yet again I have forgotten to eat all day. I feel like this keeps on happening every time I have a day off. Its like there is some sort of disable switch. I don't really ever forget to eat on work days so its still a bit of a puzzle. I don't even really understand how I my body doesn't bother to mention that it hasn't been fed. I figure that it must be because I'm not due at work till 1:30pm so I really don't eat anything till 11:30 at the earliest and I guess my stomach is just trained to shut up till then. Honestly though, most days its 3pm before I even realize I've not eaten. Today I technically ate some fried shrimp.....but that wasn't even that substantial and it was around 4:30, so here it is 1:30am the next day and I'm just realizing I'm hungry. Well fortunately Wendy's is open till 2.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Movie didnt kill the video game

Know how you see a preview for a movie and it causes you to stare in both surprise and disbelief that this is really going to happen, and makes your soft palate raise while you exhale and hope to God that they don't screw the whole thing up?  Ok now imagine(I'm sure this is the hard part) that you play video games and that all of a sudden someone wants to make a movie out of one of the most confounding adventure/puzzle/strategy you've experienced.....like that one game that you can't manage to even finish because it frustrates you and you can't find that stupid ActionReplay code thingy so you can just cheat instead of dying over and over in that lame spot where no actual people are attacking you(I mean seriously, how is anyone supposed to safely get down from that ledge???)......and then you snap out of it and really hope it doesn't suck?

I tried pretty hard to not expect anything concerning the release of the movie Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Mostly because in most cases, movies modeled after video games tend to suck.....Super Mario Brothers....Doom.....Dead or Alive(though that one did have lots of scantlily clad hotties, which was totally bearable). It is, incidentaly, the same on the reverse....I dare someone to call the Iron Man video game, playable.  This time, though, I hoped it would just be decent. The game series has a few installments which provide a fair amount of storyline to play with as well as a consistent main character who possesses a certain nobility that almost inspires the player to believe that running along walls and jumping across rooftops is really going to change the world. After the Percy Jackson and the Olympians - disaster, I resigned myself to not even bother vocalizing my hopes as to avoid the public disappointment stacked on to the private, and planned to see it as soon as it was out. 

I was relieved that it didn't suck......in fact, I liked it.  The storyline was pretty solid, minus the ultimate aim of the antagonist.....I felt like that plan was just a bit of overkill. The action was considerate of both people who have played the games, and people who just like movies where things are happening quickly.  I especially liked a part near the beginning where the prince's small war party is preparing their attack. The initial camera shots are built like those of the game: the character speaks while the camera zooms out and over to pan across the obstacles between the he and the target area, in quick frames allowing the viewer(that'd be you) to lightly grasp the bigger picture and see what needs to be done to accomplish it.  Fortunately this concept doesn't carry into the entire move......as that would get old real quick, but definitely does a great job of including the video game audience right from the start. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the most awesome film of the summer or anything, but it was at least pleasant enough to be mentioning. For the life of me, I can't quite grasp why you would stop a near-perfect knive throwing marksman from launching a knife at his target for fear he might hit one of the ostriches? Especially after you just went on and on about his accuracy.....

The actors were, in my opinion, a very good choice for their roles. Most everyone I overheard, felt their doubts about Jake Gyllenhaal playing the prince. I feel that his look and personality fit the character quite well. It needed to be someone not too manley but masculine enough to look mean with a sword, and I feel like they certainly found someone worth that aim. Gemma Arterton is just really pretty and looks quite intriguing when she says witty, spicy things(I drooled a little bit there).  The biggest sell, for me, was the way it sold the emotions. What I mean with that is that the story had twists and turns within it that were all close to home for the main character. The conflicts that were of the greatest trouble, were the ones concerning the heart. I felt a little swept away with the romanitc connection between Jake and Gemma, but not as strongly as I felt concerning the plots and betrayal within the royal family. His outrage at being wrongfully accused and his grief at the loss of his family, felt like my own....it felt personal.......I liked that. On the lighter side of that, It impressed me that they placed so much importance on those family ties and brotherhood and loyalty. Its things like that, that make me determined to have the kind of family I want, the kind that takes care of and cherishes each of its members, placing their value above self and wealth and position, the kind that pours out the kindness within them on just regular people everywhere, ya know? Yeah yeah blah blah mushy stuff, but it was nice to see that kind of thing. I like the way the brothers regarded each other and even in the face of betrayal, chose to think with their hearts and not with their minds and what they had seen and heard. I only wish I had been able to see it with my own brother....

Its a good day

You know its a good day, when at the end of it, you don't feel regular tired, but more like the reasonable, and non-stressed version of tired that you haven't felt since the middle of summer vacation back in grade school. The kind where your mind is free of the 400 things that clog your thoughts during the week: bills, food, drama, work(those two are the same usually), family, responsibility, annoying children, and traffic.....all of it. Its kinda nice to take a break from it and just be the carefree teenager you left behind.  Go somewhere. Eat random food. Make a fake name and have E.T. say it to you at the end of the ride. Rediscover things you did in 4th grade. Act like a complete fool just to make people laugh. Practice tour jete's down the street. Play a round of Marry-Boff-Kill. 

I think its good...nay, HEALTHY, to have a day like that on occasion. Sometimes we get so bogged down and so focused on all the things we have to get done and all the situations that need our attention, that we forget that food, water, sleep, and television are only the bare minimum of things we need.  You get brainwashed into thinking working 6 days a week is normal and having fun is a frivolity that can only be included if theres a budget surplus for the month.


Go out there! Do something random and fun. Bring a camera and take pictures. Bring a friend. Have no agenda and no time limit. BE YOU.........but the old you.

I-RRI-TA-TING

I swear to God, I am REALLY starting to run out of patience! I have just finished pushing.....yes PUSHING my vehicle up to a pump at the gas station because I have run out of gas. Now one might say "well why didn't you put gas in your tank before it got to where you ran out?" Well screw you, I DID go get gas....$20 even. The thing with gas though is that you have to put it in the tank in order for it to be of any effect....and in my infinite wisdom I drove off without actually pumping any gas. I was preoccupied with the past few hour's stupid events combined with the ones from earlier in the day and upon arriving to the pump and finding the keypad out of service, I grumbling made my way to the cashier to prepay(who even does that anymore). Its fortunate that I made another stop at the Walmart by Cagan Crossing before I drove back home otherwise I'd have been stuck on 27 in the dark with no gas.
Here's another point of interest....Why the heck was I near Cagan Crossing? Heh here's the simple version. I was out looking for a Gamestop(we'll get to why in a second) and I wasn't completely sure there were any nearby but I figured there must be one near my Target or before I got near 27.....there's not. Furthermore, when I searched my GPS for one nearby and it said there was one just 2 miles further down, it didn't mention that the Gamestop it was directing me to was in fact a dark, empty piece of undeveloped land.....I still don't understand how that even makes sense. After that I called one of the other Gamestops on 192 and spoke to some idiot who asked me what a Cagan was and told me he had no clue where 27 was located....then he said "well if you just go to our website, you can type in your zip code and find a nearby location blah blah blah" .....useless.
Back to why I was going in the first place...for some lame reason I decided today that I would get things done(and I did, in quite a few areas), so I decided to better allocate my computer resources by moving a few larger, non-crucial programs from my main hardrive to the secondary hardrive, which would theorhetically free up some space and speed and allow for better multitasking. Well unbeknownst to me, you can't just simply cut and paste certain programs if you have them layered with other applications across drives.....like anyone is supposed to have that kind of foresight, UGH! So all of a sudden, my video game won't work at all and long story short, NOTHING will change that shy of a re install from the original discs.....which are located about an hour away at my parent's house. So I begin at least downloading an update for the software that holds the program I've lost. It informs me its going to take an hour, which gives me more time to feel annoyed. I took a break and left the house(which ended up being an even bigger waste of time) while I decided whether I wanted to really drive all the way home to just to get my originals. I decided that I would just buy the stupid thing again since its now being packaged for less than I paid for a single of it's expansions(don't even get me started on that) and not waste the literal 16 hours it would take to purchase and digitally download it from an online store(curse Roadrunner Lite....stupidness). At this point it was approaching 8:30pm and I had less than 30 mins to get to a video game store....which is why I just picked a direction to drive in, which brings us back to what I was doing that caused me to ultimately run out of gas and be pushing my car around like a loser.
So now I'm at Target(unsurprisingly, they don't have it either...just like Walmart didn't) trying really hard not to throw things and punch this little kid in front of me who insists on mouthing off to his mother because she won't let him push the cart. I really just can't understand how I have managed to waste almost 12 hours and have nothing to show for it but a headache and a heap of freaking IRRITATION!

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Off list

I don't know what to think.
Sadly, I feel like I've actually written this before.
I'm not gonna double check....I'll just assume.
In any case I suppose that means there's not been significant progress.

Its not that things are bad...on the contrary, they're pretty great
....its just....something's not right. I feel listless.....maybe even a little melancholy.
Its kinda strange.   I thought of some things that are just off:

I don't feel like doing sit-ups
I've taken my contacts out every night without fail(I always sleep in my contacts....thats the point of the sleep in kind)
I've not been drinking raspberry lemonade
I ordered pizza tonight.....I'm allergic to pizza
I've been watching tv
I've been indifferent about things I'm spending money on
I'm procrastinating heavily
I'm utilizing immediate vetos on things that do not suit me
I want to go to the movies all the time...though I've not actually gone to any
It's taking me forever to get through anything....books, dvd's, picture sorting...
I suddenly want a new phone

I realize none of that sounds at all serious....or even significantly notable, but it all just seems out of the ordinary for me.
I think that it is a good thing I've noticed because no one else has and its not going to get resolved otherwise. what's that saying.....something about the first step to fixing a problem is realizing you have one?
I wonder if it covers pre-problems or not quite-problems?
At least it gives me something to consider
I'll work on it

I MISS BEANS!

I have previously come to the conclusion....and recently reinforced the same, that myself and beans should not interact internally.  It's just not working out.  The thing is, I used to be quite fine with them.....we met up with each other on a very regular(heh heh) basis all through my childhood and into my adult years. In addition to beans, I was quite able to take on virtually any challenge, be it ethnic or abstract, with little to no difficulty. I was always the guy not having issues on the trips to other countries...the one who could handle all the rare and random foods with no trouble...I mean, my parents aren't even from this country. Now, since the gluten thing, things are all in an uproar and foods that were never a problem before are now a huge upset. Gah! its annoying and I'm not pleased to have stomach drama. I went and had lunch at a Puerto Rican restaurant today and I am currently still paying for it....not at all fun. I MISS BEANS!

Its not ok

I feel like its a kind of funny that the only bit of solace I have for this current moment are the words i wrote just a few days ago....                       No, nevermind....its not funny at all.

 I don't know what to do. I don't know why I don't know what to do.  The things is, that is usually my area of expertise...the "what to do" area. I'm also not sleeping. Hours a night spent doing......well nothing really. None of it is beneficial....the other night I watched episodes of "V" online...a show I have never seen nor even really care about. Then in the morning I wake up between 7:45-7:56(literally) and start the "try to go back to sleep" cycle. Basically during that time, my brain creates random scenarios that somehow involve my body and make me tense and then wake back up repeatedly....I don't even know if it ends up being rest. On top of that, I can't think straight. I think about things and they just slip right out of my grasp before I can really analyze or resolve them. That, of course, leads to lots of "I don't know..." which is hugely lame because as aforementioned, I usually do.

There is one thing I'm certain of though: Its not ok.

sometimes

sometimes it just sucks
sometimes you dont know why
sometimes theres nothing you can do
even though you tried

Seeing someone

So here's the thing......
I'm seeing someone. Its been like this for a long while now.....on again off again for years, but always never really far from each other. You know how you meet someone and it just seems like they were just meant for you? Like no matter what happens....good times and bad, you'll still have each other? That's what it feels like.  Its been so long now, I can't even recall where we first met. I can tell you though that it's been memorable since then. Its not always been the best relationship, I mean there are plenty of times when I just want to slug her, times when I just want to run from her and never look back. That's the thing though, I always seem to end up right back on her doorstep....not really begging to come in, its more like reluctance but we're just......bound together, ya know? I've been seeing her a lot recently......I know I know....I shouldn't but I clearly just can't help it. Every time I turn a corner she's there. She pretty much knows the most opimal times to show up....well optimal for her anyways. I sense a small bit of snide satisfaction on her part when she gets me to come back to her, but I try to ignore it and just go through the motions. How long we'll last this time, I'm not sure. Maybe I will wisen up and leave her for good, but I doubt it. She'll just bring me back to her doorstep.........so if you need me, I'll be over at Square One's house.

Date Night

Tonight I saw probably one of the best movies I've seen recently. Though I didn't expect it to be so great, I'm glad that it was. There were just a lot of things in it that I identified with(theorhetically) and found to be smart and agreeable. It coincided with a few of the half-finished thought I had previously about marriage, including the concept of snapping out of complacency and doing something completely unexpected and meaningful to remind her that there's still something there between the two of you(I probably didnt express that concept previously, but I was really tired and fell asleep and was unable to remember what points I wanted to make when I finally got around to uploading). In any case, I liked it well enough that I plan to purchase it when it arrives on DVD....and that's a pretty big deal considering my owned movie collection is meager at best. It was nice to see a marriage function in an efficient and ultimately self-improving fashion, especially since pretty much every other show and movie paints marriage in such a crappy light that we all wonder why gay people are fighting so hard to have the option....why not just be really unhappy without the legal title? That was a little unfiltered, sorry, but I'm just really tired of the picture that society paints where most marriages fail and generally include infidelity, bitterness, lying, selfishness, and spite. I just don't see how portraying all of that ALL the time is going to encourage anyone to be different than the quote-unquote status quo. Its like my thoughts on watching Jerry Springer....I mean do we really need to be reminded daily what people are capable of? Why can't there be more examples of the good things? the highlights of hope that I want for my own future.......ah who knows.

Phase 1

Sooooo after the past few days being relatively decent and then suddenly super inconvenient, I have been looking forward to this weekend with a sort of desperate hope...hope that it will be copious amounts of awesome. So far it has been that. I have new sunglasses, my morning had Malibu in it, and I'm being chauffeured....Huzzah!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

reeeecap

So in the words of that Johnny Cash song......I hurt myself, today.

Lets recap shall we? I for some reason pulled my back/side muscle area today before parade.  I really can't explain exactly how it happened, but I knew before I got on the float, that it was not going to tickle, and boy was I right. It was just short of the most painful parade I've ever had. Imagine having a very bad sunburn and then being rolled down a steep sand slope...its like that gasping sort of  "GAAAAH, why is this happening-I can't even breathe its so awful-EGH the sensations-sooo unpleasant-kinda wanna die-please make it stop" moment where the pain shocks you so much that you can't think, but somehow you can manage to maintain the sense that it is probably not the complete end of the world. I made it through parade by sheer force of will....and I can tell you it was no small matter. Most of my movements involve either sharp and abrupt, up and down actions or twisty, leaning poses......which as you can imagine, are not good when one's back is hurt.  I was quite audiably crying out in pain. There was, however, about a foot between myself and the outside of me(if you don't know what that means then you shouldn't....so thats ok), so I'm sure no one else could hear it.  The thought in my head was "just get through it and then you can rest" and when I felt like it might be better to just be done early, I would think "if you come off now, first of all you'll have to walk for freakin ever to even get back to the gate...and then costuming will start their rude comments about you not finishing parade.....as if any of them have ever even done it."
Needless to say, upon entering the gate at step-down I pretty much collapsed in a heap of painful spasms as one usually does when they've been holding it together to reach a specific distance/time goal.  I met with the trainer and it was decided that I would go to health services. I then sat and waited to be sent........for about an hour and a half. I feel like that is really backwards and that since I was injured, I should have been sent immediately. However I don't make the rules, I just shake my head in confusion at them. Anyhow, I went to health services and waited there for another hour and a half(you think I'm joking, but parade was over by 4 and i didn't see a nurse until 7:40) to literally have nothing done but paperwork. I then returned to work to painfully finish out the day. All of this in lieu of shift releasing...

....the things we do to pay the bills

Its quiet outside....but only sort of. There are a good selection of things that make noise at 4am: air conditioning units, dogs, cars, sprinklers, clocks, buildings, trees....

I know this because I can hear it

....because I'm awake

Sleep escapes me tonight as it has escaped me for the past 4 nights. I would have thought that by now I should be continuously exhausted enough that it should just come upon me and drown out even the sounds of my roommate getting up across the hallway. It has not.......somehow I've been just getting by on the bare minimum and I'm certain that cannot be very healthy.  When you can't sleep for a few evenings in a row, you tend to give yourself more options than you would normally allow because well....ya start to give up on getting any rest at all. That being said, I have read an entire novel this evening....cover to cover, put down 3 bags of popcorn, and virtually built a few computers at an online store.  That really isn't so typical....I just am getting tired of not sleeping so I figure I might as well do something to leave off on the normal sleepless activity: Thinking.

Mess

My room. My car. My life.

A-Mess.
Mess and disaster.....has been for well over a week.  I look at it and I know it shouldn't be like that. It should be nice and neat, clean and tidy. Alas, it is not so......
Cluttered and chaotic are these places and spaces.
Gloom and unrest are the order of the day.
Anyone would probably ask me how I find anything.
The answer is that I haven't been looking
....Haven't done a damned thing.

I just sit and watch it grow...eating up the order and replacing it with disfunction.
Filling all the open spaces with junk and trash...
Making it hard to even see...
It bothers me.
It pains me to look at it...at the mess

What's the point? If I clean it, it will inevitably just get messy again.
Won't it?

Maybe if I sit and look at it long enough, it will become less painful to do so
Would that be so bad?

The point is...

There are things in this world I dont understand.......
and I dont understand that.

Maybe thats the point.....that there are always going to be things beyond our grasp.
But then I wonder, is it pointless to try and grasp it?
Would not trying to understand cause things to change?

I wonder if perhaps understanding....or rather not understanding is a relative concept.......and if I limit myself only to the things that are automatically understood, would some of these things then become less automatic?

I hope not, because that would start to unravel the simplest of things.  It causes me to also wonder, on the flip side, if there will ever be a point reached in our understanding where the thigns we question become automatic, and if then at that point there will appear a newer and more complicated set of things to not understand. I feel like that would make sense although I can't really fathom it, because it would seem quite hard to believe that any of us will ever just plainly understand everything.  but then, what would happen to the point? Does it, in turn become pointless? is there a new point......at that point?

It would sure be great if I could freakin be asleep instead of thinking points and pointlessness...ses

I was thinking about marriage tonight on the way home from dinner. Its such a big deal.
Kinda funny that it looks easy.....it even has a slew of implied bonuses. You get to spend your life with someone. Given that someone is the person you love with all your heart, you actually have a viable excuse to be codependant and its totally recognized as an institution. Not only that, but you get to stop dating around and spending your money on people who aren't ultimately going to matter later on...a huge savings.  There are tax breaks and packaged health benefits and even special retreats and vacation deals designed for married folk....I mean, what could be so wrong with that?

sabbatical

It was said tonight, "I want the old Jam back"

Well that makes two of us. The probem is, he's on sabbatical and hasn't left a reliable number where he can be reached. I think he got tired of all the crap and rudeness.  I dunno, maybe he started getting tired of doing other people's jobs. Perhaps hes going through some rough times and didn't know how best to handle it. Maybe he left because of you.  Anyhow though I guess you can just leave a message or something and perhaps he'll get back to you.

Heavy

so heavy

so massive

so hard to bear

i dont want to carry it

to shoulder it forever

dont even know if i can

why?

....i know why

but that doesnt help

i'd say its not fair

but what really is fair

and why would expect it to be

its just

soo

heavy

Curiosity killed the mood

"hmm I didn't know she was on here too....oh. 2 blogs? Oh cool well I kinda wanna see what she writes about. Probably I shouldn't though cause....well I dunno. Maybe I'll just take a glance..."

CLICK
..........wowwww

Did I ask you to leave him for me? DID I?
I didn't....in fact I told you that I would not be the rebound or the way out. I told you that right on that bench in front of the Virgin Megastore the night we ran into your roommate's parents.
I told you I was not perfect. I told you it was very possible that I would break your heart.

Do you know how hard it is to have everything you do, slanted and exaggerated and then reported to someone else? Do you know what its like to have everyone on your case all the time about things that are far from their own business? Do you know what its like to try and try and hope that someone you care about will just find the silver lining of the clouds for themselves even just once?

If you do, then you should have understood.
If you don't, then you should have kept your mouth shut.

The relationships and friendships that you ruined mirror the ones I gave up. You forget that there is no "friend prenup" and I didn't get to keep anyone. In addition, there was the sacrifice of my own best friendship to appease your jealousy. Who pressed you to go to the auditions when you mentioned them? Who urged you to go to the dance classes? Who helped you with the money stuff and budgeting and occasional bill? Who told you to stand up for yourself when he wanted to push you around? Who was ready to fight for you right then and there in that parking lot?
Did the vacuum come running everytime you finished parade unable to breath? Did he support your dreams and encourage new ones? Did he try to make you laugh so you wouldn't stress about the little things? Did he present you with logical solutions when things weren't so great?
I can assure you that I am not listing these things for self-exhortation. I just want to make sure that if you're going to say that I was/am selfish, that you remember ALL of the facts....not just the ones that support your contentions.

While we're there, I would love to hear about the time when I pushed you to make bad choices, you know....while I was "in your head"

There was no way I was going to let them bring up the wedding. I don't like to sit idly by and wait for tension to be brought to my doorstep while I might be still trying to compose myself.......so I stepped up and said it myself to show them that it was fine and that I was ok, because whether or not I was actually ok, it is only my place to present myself that way. If you had asked me about it, I would have told you that because I am not ashamed of it.  I AM happy for you and I have always BEEN happy for you. I have been silent all this time because I have wanted nothing more than to see you grow and be a strong woman and depend on yourself and find your own happiness....but if the opposite is what you still believe then that is all the proof that I don't always get my way.

pardon

excuse me sir, but can i borrow your girlfriend? better yet, can i just take her off your hands completely?

I'd say "well, you're not using her" but really i feel as though the opposite is true. truthfully i think that you are using her entirely too much.......like sucking the life out her on a daily basis. i'm surprised she is still functioning. its a lot to bear and she is clearly becoming more and more stressed out and weary...i so hate to see her this way. regular baggage aside, it certainly seems as though most of this is caused by your very presence in her life. there is soo much about you that is needy and childish (which is a little suspect, given your actual age) that maybe you might be better suited with a team of specialists or perhaps a stalk of celery. i think either of those would be fine. its just so clearly about you and although you do your absolute best to drive that point home, she still seems to hold onto that tiny hope that you might take notice of her....sad isnt it. i promise to treat her with every ounce of consideration that shes been missing out on from you and shower her with the gifts that you have been too cheap and selfish to provide.  i will do my best to be everything that are not.  that way, the sun can continue to orbit you uninterrupted. thanks soo much for your time...i know its very precious to you. i just need your initials here and here and if you could just sign and date right here and i'll go ahead and take over...

So I Bought a Guitar

So I Bought a Guitar. 

I missed it.  It helped to be able to pound out some chords and strum my fingers numb when I wanted to not think about stuff. I remembered the times Dustin and I would play together and sing to that "Em   D/F#   G" riff...times when we'd think about nothing else but things that could be...things that were possible...things we hoped for.  I want that back.

So I bought a Guitar

Unsilent

So I guess its my turn....
I hate crying
I never feel better after
I don't find it a positive experience
it just makes my face hot,
my eyes puff up,
my nose run,
and my heart heavy

But I can't help it
....I care too much.

I spent the whole day trying not to care, to just be fine, to prove that I can do it alone.
All I really proved was that I'm a jackass.

I forget(a lot) that you care as much as I do....that it matters to you too, when we're not ok. I know just how much it intensifies the potential suckage of everything else wrong. I never really used to know that concept, and would always wonder why people would let stuff like that just wreck their whole day. Its because IT MATTERS. It isn't fair of me to put you through that....its selfish and I am truly sorry. What good is it to pretend that I'm fine to be alone when I know that deep down, I'm scared of it just like everyone else? I guess I do it to maybe build a callous so that when it ends up that way, it won't be a shock.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Things don't seem to make as much sense as they used to. I feel like I'm mad all the time.  I'd say its stress but honestly I don't even know what to be stressed about. Its not even anything anyone did. I, for the most part, am just angry with myself. I keep thinking that if I could just shut it all off and not feel, that it would be ok....but I can't go back there. I can't go back to being emotionless and unconcerned with things. I worked soo hard to undo all that. I just feel like I'm running on a treadmill thinking I'm going somewhere when really, I'm just wearing myself out in the same corner of the garage. I also can't help but think that I really ought to have it together by now.  Then I wonder why I don't and a few things come to mind....but that's no excuse. I should be stronger...wiser.....braver....less unruly. I should be thriving in that higher standard that I let slip through my grasp. The bottom line is: I suck, and I really really don't want to be me.  It has been a nagging feeling for the past few months. I've been trying to silently punch it in the face hoping it will stay down, but it just keeps poppin back up all nice and disgustingly fresh. What do I do about that? Why can't I shake it off? Why can't I just get scheduled toy 7 Sun-Wed?

As hard as things seem sometimes, I know that we both would have long since gone crazy without each other around....and I thank God for you all the time. Even when I'm mad at you I still recognize that at least I care enough to be upset(though that doesn't really help you out a whole bunch)....and then I think "what if something awful happened to you and I was busy being upset over something stupid?" and then I get sad and irritated with myself for even being angry in the first place and.....well you get the picture.

You still mean the world to me

Oh Saturday, how I hate thee

Its official....I hate Saturdays.

I really did try not to, I promise, but its just that I cannot keep pretending that there aren't like 50 kajillion reasons why Saturdays suck.

If we were to even go back in time, we'd find that I haven't ever really had much Saturday luck. All of the jobs I've had were rather dependant on the weekend for business. Retail....Food Service....Entertainment....all mainly centered around weekend business to make the bread.  Servers make most of their cash on weekends, retail stores are busiest then and sell much more product, and of course if people are going to go see a show....its not gonna be a Tuesday night event.  Movies don't release on Wednesday afternoon and sales at the mall aren't usually titled "Monday Morning Clearance."  Back farther still, there was always some sort of function with my church when I was younger, that filled the weekend.  Church Choir....Prayer meetings......Undershepherds....Fine Arts Rehearsals. By the time Monday would roll around, I'd be almost just as tired as I was on Friday.  My teachers would ask the class if we had all had a nice restful weekend and I'd be thinking "restful? ha!"

I feel like I can safely say that I have never had Saturdays off. That's pretty much ok with me though and since I've never really known any better, it would only annoy me to suddenly be a Mon-Fri person. By far, one of the biggest reasons I hate Saturdays is because everyone else has them off.  Trying to get anything done is like pulling teeth.......which ironically is also not done on Saturdays.  I have to make other arrangements for any appointment I need to make because more than likely, they aren't open on Saturdays. Have you ever tried to drive down 535 by Downtown Disney on a Saturday evening? You'll spend 30 minutes covering 1 mile of road and will be significantly disenchanted from whatever fun thing you were going to do. Dinner plans? Forget it unless you booked reservations beforehand. Parking? Those annoying drivers who suddenly decide they need to switch lanes RIGHT NOW and block a whole lane instead of just going to the next street up to make that U-turn. None of that is even counting the crappy schedule drops where you're consistently scheduled someone else's casting or the part where you got off 2 hours beforehand and really don't want to drive back just to look but can't bear not to know. GAH! I'm starting to get mad again.

I'm sure its rough on the other of the spectrum......not being able to go to that concert or party because you're working Saturday, or having to cancel that trip because you couldnt get anyone to cover your weekend shift....

...But really you can just read about that in someone else's blog.

I would rather just work Saturdays and be off a a nice day like Monday........ahhh Mondays......I love those. Perhaps we might just do away with Saturdays and instead just give everyone a random day off during the week, with the option to sync up with a few other friends or something. I dunno, I'm sure that's a terrible idea but probably I'm going insane from all the Saturday Blues. Apparently I hate everything these days though, so I guess we can just add this to that list

"L"

So here's the thing.......
I dropped the "L" bomb....
I dropped it and you didn't even soften....
You reluctantly said it back with an air of "ok ok can we just get this over with?"
.......
......
.......really?
I feel like you must know just how much that is not part of my everyday vocabulary, so it raises the thought, do you just not care? What, is this not a convenient time for you? Want me to come back on another occasion to end the pride silence contest?
....yeeeeeah probably not.
I think I just might reign it back in.
Perhaps it is best to save the energy it would take to salvage things.
Clearly I am the only one even concerned about it....
because you're stone.....
and if you are really willing to be ok with that....to survive like that
then I guess I have to be ok with that too,
because frankly, there's not a damn thing I or anyone else can do to help
...if you won't soften.
Its fact and I know it to be so
.....because that's exactly who I used to be.
I hardened myself almost completely to everything and everyone around me
I built walls so that nothing could touch me
or hurt me
or make me cry.
But the thing is...when you shut all that out,
you also shut out everything good right along with it
and that's something you, yourself have to realize...
because no matter what else is said or done,
you're the only one
who can take down those walls
and soften
.....for my
"L"

3/10/10

I liked today, I really did.  Pointedly, I have rather enjoyed most of the days this week. They've been relatively decent weatherwise and it hasn't been any great struggle to get through it. Granted I called in on Monday, but that was completely necessary to the improvment of my quality of life. I have of course neglected to write about it but only because I'm so tired at the end of the night, these days, that I am resigned to just drop alseep upon pillow impact. I don't really find that to be too disturbing because...well I need sleep.

Speaking of that, I'm gonna cut this one short and go face plant a pillow. Night

seasonal addiction

So I feel as though I should announce the re-arrival of my second favorite beverage in all the fair land that is America.....the strawberry lemonade fruitista freeze.  This delightful blend has been MIA for some time while Taco Bell was busy pushing the pina colada and creme swirl seasonal varieties. All the while, I've just been waiting and hoping for the return of my mistress.  Outside of my first and true love, this is probably the most enjoyable drink not only for its tangy taste, but also for the way it soothes one's thirst on hot Florida days. I HIGHLY recommend that anyone and everyone try one ASAP....before I buy them all. Literally I have to try to keep from having one everyday...I drink one and I immediately want another. There have been times when I stop inand the machine isn't working.....and then I drive to another Taco Bell and get one there. Its really bad. Who knows when they will take it away from me again without warning?! I can't even think about it, it displeases me soo much. Please try one and be addicted to it too so I can start a support group.

less pertinent update

Update on my collection.  I did end up deciding it was to be books and have since acquired a nice bundle from Ebay with only the smallest of hassle. The first set was the series that begins with "A Wrinkle in Time"

I remember reading this book and perhaps one or two of its following stories, but I know I enjoyed it (and have since read this first one to confirm), and am glad to finally own decent copies....no thanks to one of my sellers.

Next is the Enchanted Forest Chronicles which I remember to be really fun and full of magic and mystery....can't wait to jump into those either.  And of course I'm still in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series (may that movie burn for eternity in Tartarus)........Gah! I love reading.

March

Well here I am. Nothin to do. No one to talk to. Not surprising. 

Today is the last day of slack. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of the year. Who knows if it will work out, but I kinda have to believe it will. It won't be easy, of that I'm quite certain, but it will ultimately be worth it. There isn't as much margin for error as there used to be, and the window of opportunity to live in the moment is steadily closing....and I don't want crushed fingers. I really can't depend on anyone else to help me get there....that fact is proven time and time again. No more excuses, pauses, or fears. Its time....time to get it in gear, tighten the reins, fortify the foundations, and patrol the walls.

Its campaign time

The sun came out today

I've been listening to this song from Paramore, and I feel like it sums up my thoughts nicely

Things are looking up, oh finally! 

I thought I'd never see the day when you smile at me.

We always pull through

oh when we try,

I'm always wrong but

you're never right.

You're never right!

Honestly, can you believe we crossed the world while it's asleep?

I'd never trade it in, cuz I've always wanted this!

It's not a dream anymore! Ohhh..

It's not a dream anymore!

It’s worth fighting for.

Could have given up so easily

I was a few cheap shots away from the end of me

Taken for granted,

most everything

that I would have died for

Just yesterday,

Just yeterday.

Honestly, can you believe we crossed the world while it's asleep?

I'd never trade it in, cuz I've always wanted this!

It's not a dream anymore! Ohhh..

It's not a dream anymore!

It’s worth fighting for.

When it rains, ya get wet. Sometimes you get completely soaked. Sometimes the sky is soo dark that you can't even remember what sunlight felt like and you wonder if you'll ever see it again.  The thing with rain, though, is that its temporary...clouds form, they move, they storm.....but most importantly...they eventually go away. The sun never goes away. Its always just right there waiting to be unobscured. It'll dry you off and warm you up and you'll feel brand new.

I was wrong

Nope. It got worse.  First off, a chaotic lunch where I once again did more talking than listening, and ultimately left angry because no one seems to understand my point of view. Second, a confirmation on the sucktatude of that aforementioned list. Third, the death of my cone which resulted in a considerably larger amount of strain on my already taxed, post bronchitised lungs. Fourth, the stifling of the intense desire to just blast someone full on with my opinion on things. Fifth, the realization that I might be in trouble. Sixth, .......she has a boyfriend now.......thats just awesome.

...So we're lookin at: The Chaotic Confirmation of Death, and Stifiling Realization that She has a boyfriend.

There had better be a great big beautiful tomorrow.....shining out of.......well whatever the song says

Can't get worse

Today was such a God-awful day that I can only be optimistic about tomorrow.  I know, that's weird....but I just feel like with the way everything went today, for not even just myself, there really can't be a worse tomorrow lined up.
It's really not soo much the things that happened as it is the feelings that I'm having. Mostly they are summed up in just one word: Inadequacy.  I layed in bed this morning for about 2 and half hours trying very hard to go back to sleep. I woke up super early with a headache and took some meds knowing well that I onyl had a small window of opportunity to get back to sleep before it would be too late. Epic fail, I started thinking.......well really it was more like torturing. I don't know why it is that I even spend the time beating myself up over things that are not within my power to control, though I suspect that most everyone does it at some point.  I am quite certain I used to be muuch better balanced with these sort of things and it just seems like the control I had on my ponderings is considerably more slack than even just 2 years ago. I mean, nothing could touch me back then......now I'm getting felt up every time the wind blows sour. I know I shouldn't worry and there are probably bigger things I might concern myself with but it almost starts to just run together and appear to be the same sort of importance level, which just gets soo old.

I realize I'm starting to not make sense right now, but just bear with me.

It also bothers me that I can't be nearly as helpful to people around me because I'm soo bothered by the stuff in my own way.  My friend had an awful exhausting day today also, filled with crappy pullings and tired "punch punch wrap's" and where was I to help? I tried to do what I could, but I still felt like "what I could" just wasn't good enough. I was soo mad at the day's poopy beginning that I wasn't able to really help him. I surely sucked at friendship today. Again....inadequate.  I feel stagnant in my job performance right now also. There are so many things I wish I were doing better. Granted I went from wisdom tooth and dry socket recovery to the recent bronchitis moments almost immediately, but I just feel like I should have been able to overcome those obstacles with a higher measure of grace than was delivered. Subsequently, I am really sweating the potential sucktatude of my life when that list drops in a few weeks and I'm not on it. I've waited patiently and quietly and tried not to stress over it, but I want it very badly and at this point its the only thing I would have left that isnt already done by everyone close to me. I know it isn't something that I'm entitled to by any means, but I feel as though I qualify for it on more than 1 level and would really feel saddened if I were skipped in line, ya know? (well no, probably you don't know but really the concept is all you need to understand). Probably the worst part of this whole thing is the "Out of money experience" I'm having just now.  I knew that those few days where I ate everything in sight were gonna come back and bite me. The overexpenditure has caused me to be short on cash just 2 days before my check drops........doesn't seem like a lot, but I have to eat, drive, and live between now and then and my cash stash is pretty much exhausted. Hopefully I won't have to get stuck using my "change jar of shame," but I think this time, I'm not going to get away unscathed.  Absolutely everything is magnified at a higher level of crappy when I'm in a money jam. It immasculates me and I start to feel hopeless and angry because I can't provide for myself(which leads to torturous thoughts of how I'm going to handle things when I'm providing for more than just myself). I promised myself 2 years ago that I was going to be in control at all times.....and I have made good on that promise. I didn't even touch my tax return last year until August and I've been really proactive on saving and budgeting.......but here I am again. I really just hate money.....and that Nate kid.  Time for an abrupt ending again, sorry

Sidenote: Sherlock Holmes

First I will say simply, that this movie was good.  Not only was it good.....it was impressive and I don't really just hand out such a verbal commendation with any sort of nonchalance. It was a number of things that drew my attention and sustained it for...however long the movie was. One of these was the color: When one thinks of England and the cities within, beyond the historic of course, it is well imagined that the area would be rather dull and gray. Many things give this impression such as the overcast skies and worn age of the cities...even the concept of earl grey tea lends itself to the mental image of said place being dreary. This was reflected in the scenery and color schemes and it really made the whole thing look as though one were watching an old book.
Another thing was the music: I waited till the end to see who was responsible for it and was happy to find that it was Hans Zimmer. I recognize the name from a previous movie, The Holiday, that I also really enjoyed the soundtrack to (and had ironically, if not randomly, listened to only a few hours earlier). The best way I can describe it was that it was there and it was engaging, but it didn't feel the need to jump out and make itself known....like a quiet but highly efficient colonial wife. More than likely I will be aquiring the soundtrack now also based on composer reputation instead of just the initial interest in the pieces.
The most comforting thing about the movie overall was that it was smart: There's nothing worse than a movie that has to keep checking to make sure that the audience is following along by restating things that are obvious or having characters move slower than the audience so that there is a "Blue's Clues" effect ::::cough cough Percy Jackson::::. I liked having to figure things out based on only a few seen concepts but also being able to just watch sequences unfold that required no actual thought whatsoever. It varied the experience which, in turn, made the whole thing even more interesting.  I also liked how Holmes and Watson got along. There was a mutual respect for each's work style and differences, but then they had such an interesting way of supplementing each other....it was effective but also soo natural that there was plenty of time to be sarcatic and even jovial with each other during times where the tension and danger would have made others choke.  It paralleled quite easily with a friendship of my own, though for the life of me I can't decide which of us is which character.  Anyhow, its good and I wholeheartedly recommend it to any and everyone. Go see it......like right now. GO!

The best laid plans...

What's that old saying? Something about the best laid plans not working out or being ripe for failure or whatnot. Whatever it is, I'm getting just a little bit tired of it continuously proving true....and wouldn't yu know it, its on Saturday....the worst possible day to have off, in my opinion.
This was the plan:

Get up
Sort laundry
Set up the grill and rice cooker
Clean my room while 1st load washes and food is cooking
Eat while checking online things
Dry 1st load/wash 2nd load while cleaning kitchen
Check the mailbox for my packages
Leave the house by noon(1:15 max)
Go to the parents' house to check in, write checks, and visit
Grab remaining books from home and buy new toothbrush
Arrive back home by 4pm(5pm max)
Confirm movie showtimes and food venues
Commence evening plans
Write a nice blog about how nicely today went

NOPE

The plan, which was unknowingly doomed to epic failure, was revised even before its opening sequence. The newer version displaced articles 8-11 and moved the evening timeline into the daytime(to accommodate others). Article 14 would then be subject to general overall outcome.

STILL NOPE

I woke up with a nice big migraine and had to mentally push back the timeline an hour or so to accomodate the elapsed time for pain relief.  Of course this is how the newest revision is going:

Get up
Drug myself and roll over
Get up
Decide which things to omit from the task list
Sit in bed freezing and wonder what happened to the plan
Become irate
Worry about people
Visit with parents via telephone
Forget to eat
Proceed to not sort laundry
Retrieve mail from mailbox
Become significantly more irate
Write a very stern email to the seller who sent me this inaccurate, awful, unmatching book
Leave him specific negative feedback
Wonder why the gift is taking so long to arrive
Discover that the gift I bought might not actually be coming
Discover that the entire transaction was somehow deleted
File a claim and dispute with Ebay
Try and diffuse the misunderstanding between my aunt and the photopass guy on facebook
Sit and think about how annoying this all is
Revisit with the migraine
Realize I haven't eaten and its now 4:15 in the freakin afternoon
Write a blog about it while I try and simmer down

That's where I'm at right now

.....I have nothing done, my head hurts, I'm still feezing, malnurished, and cranky.

For the good of everyone

This might sound a bit out of place or perhaps a good bit more random than is to be expected from me, but I feel as if I should express my thoughts on something......

This is 2010. A new year, a better year, the current placeholder in a long line of years filled with economic, medical, and technological advances. Things are much more efficient these days. Times are simpler, things are far more convenient, and people are living longer and healthier lives. All of these changes and improvments have caused me to be steadfast in my adamant opinion that:

There is just no place in this world that we live in, for magical powers.

I mean think about it...are things really so bad that conventional means cannot help them? No! And really what purpose do fire spells have in today's society? More than likely there will be some accident and then we'll all burn to death...I mean, who uses fire these days anyway? There's generally a significant drawback for every power that would manifest in today's times. Want to fly? Sounds easy enough right?.....until you arrive at your destination smelly, covered in bugs with rediculous looking hair and a wind weathered complexion.....and thats if you even make it there.  Powerlines and game hunters pose a sizable threat to any frequent floater.  Teleportation? all good for short distances within sight range. Do you really want to blindly teleport not knowing if someone is walking through the area or the furniture has been rearranged? All it takes is one mess up and all of a sudden your whole arm is inside a boulder.  Invisibility is nice...but only if you can turn it off. Then of course everytime something goes missing everyone looks at you...you are the only person they know that can turn invisible and walk off with things after all. Its all just waay too dangerous. What if that chick that shoots lasers from her eyes, gets mad at you and burns off your face in the moment? What good are adamantium claws going to do you? If you aren't planning on just killing everyone in your path, it might just be best to opt out on powers altogether....for the good of everyone.

this is not the tooth blog

I had A crazy thought just now...What if I took one of the hydrocodone pills and just shoved it into the gaping hole in my jaw and just let it sit there and dissolve directly in the socket and on the nerve? Would that even work?

Re-collection

So I feel like I should start collecting something.  I know, its a little odd to just decide to collect something and I suppose that's not usually how things like that are supposed to go. Be that as it may, I plan to do it anyway. Here's my train of thought...

The past few days I've been taking notice of things that people have as hobbies. Some people shop or play scheduled sports, and some watch waay too much tv or collect things or make/build things. I'm in the market for a new supplemental hobby (I used to play a video game online but I grew tired of it and I have soo many options that I end up not doing anything) and I feel like probably the easiest and no altogether unproductive option would be to collect something. Technically I collect quarters, not specific kinds or decades though just in general, I dunno why, I just like quarters......yeah definitely didn't mean to share that little fact. Anyhow I've narrowed it down to things I can repeatedly enjoy and have a minimal to slightly moderate cost that I can aquire without schedule or duty. Kind of like a purposed impulse buy, I guess. 

 Decidedly it will either be dvds or books. I am leaning more towards the latter, though, because I do like to read and have really been missing the experience since the end of college. I used to read A LOT and I really miss that option and the good times and happy thoughts that came of it.  I started learning to read in school and would always read the Archie's comics in the grocery store and beg my mom to buy me one. To this day my sister still claims she was the one who was interested in them first, but clearly she's confused. I read a lot of fictional books with magic and dragons and character development, as well as mystery novels and a few "choose your own adventure" books. Ultimately I would like to aquire all the books I've read growing up that I enjoyed(though I feel like saying I want the entire Hardy Boys Casefiles is a very lofty goal) in paperback at the very least and hopefully with the correlating artwork within each series. I dunno, we'll see how it goes. Anyhow I'm hugely tired(yes its early, but its been a really long day and I want to go to bed) and such things can be left till tomorrow to be pondered about, but I'll hopefully finalize the collection plan soon.

Who you gonna call?

My face hurts. This is a fact....a fact that I have been living with for quite a number of days now. It hurts badly. It seems that no amount of drugging will silence it. At this very moment I want to throw things because it is aching soo badly. I am in fact, continuing to write this so that I don't have to focus on that pain.

That being said...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heh so that was a few days ago, and that's as far as I got before the pain became so intense that I couldn't finish....or even move, for that matter.  Dry socket, its called and basically it means that the blodd clot that was supposed to form over the bone in the location where my tooth was pulled from has dissolved and so my bone and nerve are exposed. The problem with this is that exposed bones and nerves are clearly not supposed to happen and as such are bothered when placed in contact with...everything. This would include air and nerve pain is a type that cannot simply be eased without the use of very strong drugs. Theres no shifting of positions to make it hurt less or putting some ice on it or taking a soothing bath. No it just throbs and throbs in a completely unyielding fashion that causes you to miss out on things like sleep and eating...tons of fun, I assure you.  Anyhow back to just after I wrote that first part....

As I lay there hyperventilating and writhing around in pain barely able to even make noises I thought to myself, "This is not going to stop until I pass out from pain." There was nothing I could really do about it. I was between drug doses and I had about 3 hours before I could take another pill(plus the time it would take for that pill to get into my system). I started to panic a little and realized I could not do this alone. At this point it was about 1am and everyone was asleep but I sucked it up and called for help. I'm thankful to have people in my life that I can count on to help me out if I'm in trouble and it humbles me to think that anyone would hold me in that high of regard to put themselves at an inconvenience just to help me out. Who do you call at 1 in the morning when you're in pain enough to cry and though you know there is virtually nothing anyone can do about it(outside of an emergency room, but really who has the money for that unless you've lost a limb), you feel like if they're at least right there with you, it might help you not feel like you're gonna die? Your best friend....the person you trust the most....your speed dial number 5. And sit with me he did...for like 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. Most of my life I've played the role of that friend who comes running when you need help. The one who comes to get you when you're stranded or locked out of your house. The one who brings you something to eat when you're starved and stuck somewhere without your wallet. The friend who helps you move, loans you their car, picks you up from the airport, disguisedly offers you mint when your breath smells, and checks on you when you're sick.  Almost never does any of that get done to me, but that is my role in life and I accept it in earnest because I'm happy to make other people happy(I'm the surprise party coordinator, not the surprise party recipient).  The "almost never" is starting to lean more towards "more and more often" since this past year....and even since this past 5 months, because my friends are awesome. Not just awesome, but awesome in the right ways...like the ways I just listed. Its nice to know that I too can enjoy the comfort and ease of knowing that if I'm in trouble someone will come running.

Pass "Go" and collect $200

It started out with such gloom....soo much that it can be described as "nothing less than awesome," that it ended up being so flippin fantastic.  He was irate, she was just fine and secretly not soo fine, and I was getting cranky again. We had probably all decided seperately, that tonight was gonna suck. head home and maybe eat something...poke around online for a bit and maybe just try not to think about things and crash early or something.
Nope.

Its funny how the upsetting things in life just dissipate when you're having a good time with friends. I think we all got the "Get out of jail free" card tonight and I am really glad for that.  There was good food(did I mention that I am awesome at cooking?), drinks(compliments of the country of Jamaica), music, How I Met Your Mother, knot loosening(up, up....ya can you get in there?), recollections of prowess competitions, unyielding sarcasm(omg you love circles too?!), hugging, hilarious pictures, and pretentious definition.  I couldn't have asked for a better night...or better people to spend it with.

Part of me is sad during those times, though, because I know how unique the moment is and that it will never again happen like that, but I feel that the memories and the inside jokes and the photographic evidence is well worth any potential unhappiness that might ensue when things finally have to change.  I'm glad to have them and they are glad to have me(or doing a bang up job faking it) and that's more than enough to make any night a good night.

Tastes like happy

I'm going to need to write about my apprehension concerning tomorrow's procedure and it's subsequent weekend of recovery....but the time for that is not quite upon me, so instead, I'm going to talk about something I simply adore. 

I really really enjoy the company of Simply Lemonade (with raspberry)......like a lot. It tastes like happy. There are 2 big bottles of it in my fridge at this very moment...not kidding. Every time I go to the store I usually grab a bottle or 2 because it makes me nervous to not have a backup when my "in use" supply runs low.  I really don't even drink as much of it as I do of water( as water is my 5 day) but somehow whenever I pour some out, half the bottle ends up gone. The best part is that its not full of crap...just filtered water and lemon and sugar and raspberry puree and awesome.

Currently I am trying to restrain myself from pouring more now

Gah!

Ya know how you can kinda have a crush on someone and its fine because they don't know and also no one else really knows because you don't talk about it with anyone and maybe that someone might be really hot to you but isn't the top pick of the year by the tastes of most people you'd say it to but its your crush and so it doesn't really matter what they feel on the subject but still you feel it best just to not mention it cause also you don't really have a decent reason for liking them other than that you just do and can't really explain it but ya get that "aww shucks" sort of embarassed and slightly shy feeling near them and can't really make sense of why you act dumb like that but are not hugely that concerned about it because they don't know and neither does anyone else so really its just your own private little experience?

Ok so then what happens if all of a sudden that someone starts paying attention to you and you're like "whoa where'd that come from" and you're not quite sure if maybe you are just imagining it or reading too far into it because you at some point thought "hey if you liked me that would be cool" but didn't really think there was a possibility of that ok maybe a tiny part of you would be theorhetically hoping that but you'd never admit it to yourself cause thats just kinda sad and even though you're pretty sure its nothing you can't completely rule out the slight possibility that maybe its something or at least the tiny inklings of something and who in their right mind would snuff that out ya know?

Then of course you're worried slightly that you might be crazy or obvious or that you might just kill the potential because you acted really ridiculous about it instead of just being cool but how in the world are you supposed to know what to do if you don't even know what is going on and even though its a little scary you feel like you should at least try to find out if maybe they are a little into you I mean that makes sense right? Doesn't it?

Gah!